Dear Douchebags of the World,
I understand that you’re upset about the Netflix price increase. I don’t really understand why, because I’m pretty sure you can still order and stream unlimited shows and DVDs for the pretty damn small amount of money you pay if you take into consideration how much it would cost for you to buy all those things or rent them from Blockbuster, but I get that you are upset.
See, Buzzfeed was kind enough to show me just how upset you are. Don’t you love how being an asshole on Twitter once makes you an asshole everywhere forever?
I feel the need to point out a few specific tweets from Buzzfeed’s list, just so anyone reading this can get an idea of how people are reacting:
@TravisTeachMe: Dear Netflix, I got your email. We trusted you and now you are trying to rape us.
@ctjay14: Dear Netflix, the next time you decide to rape your customers could you at least use KY first?
@Ugo_Lord: Dear Netflix, I get raped when I pay for gas, raped when I buy a plane ticket, & now you want to rape me too. Enough already. #Netflix
Because of both these responses and other things I have heard people say, I feel it has become necessary to point a few things out.
THINGS THAT ARE NOT RAPE:
- A small price increase in a service that hasn’t had a price increase since it started operating in 1997 but has drastically expanded the scope of what they do
- Gas prices
- Textbook prices
- That test you didn’t study for and failed
- Organic Chemistry
- Rebecca Black’s “Friday”
- Heavy courseloads in college
- Your Thesis committee
- New Google features that you don’t know how to use
- Spam in your inbox
- Your alarm clock
- Your mother-in-law’s cooking
- The distance you have to travel to get to the nearest Starbucks
- The lack of express check-outs at your local Target
- Ads on your favorite website
- A webcomic creator changing their update schedule/going on hiatus/having a guest week
- A broken air conditioner
THINGS THAT ARE RAPE:
- Another person or group of people engaging you in sexual activity despite your lack of consent
Yeah. That’s it.
So, Douchebags of the World, next time you find something frustrating, upsetting, or mildly inconvenient, remember this list before you open your fucking mouth.
P.S. Thankfully, some people have managed to retain a bit of common sense through this debacle:
@halfdaytoday: When I read about Netflix’s $5 price increase, I was so shocked I spit my $6 latte out over the $400 iPhone I pay $90 a month for.
What do you think, guys? Did I miss anything important?