Dear Douchebags of the World,
I understand that you’re upset about the Netflix price increase. I don’t really understand why, because I’m pretty sure you can still order and stream unlimited shows and DVDs for the pretty damn small amount of money you pay if you take into consideration how much it would cost for you to buy all those things or rent them from Blockbuster, but I get that you are upset.
See, Buzzfeed was kind enough to show me just how upset you are. Don’t you love how being an asshole on Twitter once makes you an asshole everywhere forever?
I feel the need to point out a few specific tweets from Buzzfeed’s list, just so anyone reading this can get an idea of how people are reacting:
@TravisTeachMe: Dear Netflix, I got your email. We trusted you and now you are trying to rape us.
@ctjay14: Dear Netflix, the next time you decide to rape your customers could you at least use KY first?
@Ugo_Lord: Dear Netflix, I get raped when I pay for gas, raped when I buy a plane ticket, & now you want to rape me too. Enough already. #Netflix
Because of both these responses and other things I have heard people say, I feel it has become necessary to point a few things out.
THINGS THAT ARE NOT RAPE:
- A small price increase in a service that hasn’t had a price increase since it started operating in 1997 but has drastically expanded the scope of what they do
- Gas prices
- Textbook prices
- That test you didn’t study for and failed
- Organic Chemistry
- Rebecca Black’s “Friday”
- Heavy courseloads in college
- Your Thesis committee
- New Google features that you don’t know how to use
- Spam in your inbox
- Your alarm clock
- Traffic
- Your mother-in-law’s cooking
- The distance you have to travel to get to the nearest Starbucks
- The lack of express check-outs at your local Target
- Ads on your favorite website
- A webcomic creator changing their update schedule/going on hiatus/having a guest week
- A broken air conditioner
THINGS THAT ARE RAPE:
- Another person or group of people engaging you in sexual activity despite your lack of consent
Yeah. That’s it.
So, Douchebags of the World, next time you find something frustrating, upsetting, or mildly inconvenient, remember this list before you open your fucking mouth.
Sincerely,
Rachael
P.S. Thankfully, some people have managed to retain a bit of common sense through this debacle:
@halfdaytoday: When I read about Netflix’s $5 price increase, I was so shocked I spit my $6 latte out over the $400 iPhone I pay $90 a month for.
What do you think, guys? Did I miss anything important?
Oh, Rachael. 
this entry was rape!!! lol… I kid, I kid! 😉
Oh! That reminds me. Things that you voluntarily read or watch on the internet are not rape. Your comment was a joke, but I have seen that SO MANY TIMES on articles or youtube videos and shit that people just don’t like. It always makes me all…you’re the one that watched it, fucker!
great post!
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it 🙂
Hahahhaha! I am annoyed about the change, more because of the lack of options than the actual money. And I limited my bitching to a single G+ post, at least. Definitely nowhere near rape. Good lord.
Hopefully you still love me.
Of course I still love you! More than bacon! As long as you don’t think Netflix is anally raping you, I will love you. I might be mildly annoyed by the lack of options, too, if I. Y’know. Used Netflix.
I am currently paying like $50 a month for an internet service I don’t even use, because we didn’t set up our router once we discovered that we didn’t have to because we could use our neighbor’s unencrypted bandwidth for free. For real, paying for it and not using it, because we have not been proactive enough to set up the router. So… I’m guessing another $5 charge a month from Netflix won’t really rock our boat, especially since I still have the Harry Potter 7.1 disc I rented from them almost two months ago.
I think the moral of the story is I should maybe be smarter with my money, then I wouldn’t have to work so hard to earn money to pay my bills that I don’t even have time to set up a fucking router or watch a movie.
I know, right? Even if it wererape, which it’s not, $5 would not be a very bad rape. It’d be more like if some guy on the subway sorta brushed against you in a slightly sketchy way and you tell your coworkers about the gross dude on the subway and laugh.
Damn. You probably think paying AT&T $5/month for unlimited texting isn’t rape too.
It ain’t the price. It’s the profit margin AND the quality of service.
Bravo muthafucker. Loved it! Also what is not rape is being willingly tea bagged by a fat sweaty ethnic man. Just saying, ya know, if it’s consentual & all.
Willingly tossing the salad of someone with poor sphincter control: NOT RAPE!
Oh man, I could come up with a TON of these!
Have you HEARD that “Friday” song??? Still don’t think it’s rape? Oh, ok then. I guess you are going with the “classic” definition . . .
No, but I hear ya. I feel like that has just become a very commonly used phrase to refer to something that someone doesn’t like, used by people who are trying to be shocking or subversive.
Although, I would equate a $5 increase to maybe an ass squeeze in a bar or something. Or a brush against a boob? Yeah, not too bad. I can deal.
I have heard “Friday,” and I’ve analyzed it in my head to the point that I’ve come to a conclusion. It lacks conflict. Even “Party in the USA” has conflict. So the lyrics suck because “do I sit in the front or back of a car?” is not enough conflict for anyone over the age of 5. The key, though, is that you’re choosing to watch it. You could stop it at any time. You could say, “No, I don’t want to listen to this song that everything says is horrible.” Ergo, not rape at all.
I like the ass squeeze in a bar idea. Or maybe an ugly person trying to dance with you in a nightclub.
Rebecca Black’s “Friday” is sung by multiple people in my office every. It’s not rape if you like it.
Oh shit. They’re onto me.
Well, considering that we will now be paying less for Netflix since we no longer pay for a service we didn’t use, definitely not rape. Maybe a date with dinner and a movie. HA!
And DESSERT! But seriously, how many months of not having Netflix would it take for someone to have enough saved money to go on that date? Dinner about $50, and that’s without dessert and maybe one drink each, and movie tickets are 10 bucks each. Netflix will take you on that date in 8 months or so.
People are seriously ridiculous. And I’m not one to get easily offended, but I do sort of take issue with people using “rape” like its some colorful adverb like “fuck” or something.
I agree. That’s absolutely how this post came about–it’s the one thing that really grates on me. It was either channel the anger into a blog post or work on my primal scream for a few hours, and, well, it was the middle of the night.
Though now I kinda wanna work on the primal scream thing.
You are the best. Found you from ohnoa. I am looking forward to yor next post, “Sorry douchebag, you have not been sodomized”
I am a fan.
Well, they haven’t. Thanks for visiting!
Um, amazing. I was a little peeved because they masqueraded it as their “best prices EVAR!” and they actually had a price hike like in the last 9 months, buuuuuuuut I like to think my mild annoyance was a little less dramatic than these folks… YIKES!
If I were a Netflix subscriber when this happened, I would probably not even notice the mild annoyance it caused because I live in a state of perpetual mild annoyance at most things. I actually searched for information about other price increases they’d had and didn’t find any, but “best prices ever!” when it’s really “we’re not charging you for something that we were giving you for free” isn’t exactly accurate.
Yeah, it was a really quiet change, but they upped the plan that I had for $18/mo to $21/mo. I’m trying to find the e-mail, so if I do I’ll pass it on, but it DEFINITELY happened! I guess I’m used to a baseline mild annoyance by now (I’m a child care provider…) so anything that goes above that tends to irk me even more lol
It was the “best price ever” that did it for me this time too. And I remember the price hike before as well, but I think, just like this time, we never received an e-mail concerning it. It just happened and they figured we’d either like it or lump it.
This time I heard people mention it, searched my e-mail, and finally logged in to my account to discover the note that the price would be increasing about 30%. Nice thing is it made me really consider my options. There are options out there, they’re not as well known or as easy (everything in one place) as Netflix, but they’re there, although I haven’t really tried them to be able to say, “Yes, this works just as well.”
For now, for us, the Netflix change is saving us money. We changed our plan to only streaming, which is about half of what we were playing before. Redbox and/or Amazon Video will let me rent my average of 2 DVDs a month (does anyone else forget to mail them in all the time) for as cheap or much cheaper than what I’ve been paying now. Eventually we may cancel the streaming plan as well, but that will be after we’ve tried out other services to see how well they work for us.
Rachael, this is only one of the many reasons why I love you. By the way, Corey and I were reminiscing of the “Cowardly Hipster” era last weekend. Cowardly Hipster coats may not be rape, but they sure are ugly.
The Cowardly Hipster totally needs a post. I’ll have to get on that shit.
I would be so honored. I’d consider it an homage to my career at Lesley.
If you need a co-bloggess for that post, just give me a ring…
Thank you for writing this! I cringe when I see that word misused.
I do too. Hence this post. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
I was pretty irritated with all the complaining about the price increase. I thought, “Hmmm, it’s still a good deal and costs less than cable for unlimited streaming. You’re right though, oh Rachael, the Netflix price increase is NOT rape. Nor is it even highway robber (which btw gas prices are).
If you can possibly avoid it, never buy gas in Connecticut. I’ve cried.
What else isn’t rape…
* Grabbing the bar behind you on the DDR machine in the arcade while you’re playing.
* Paying a bridge or road toll.
* Paying income taxes.
* Paying alimony/child support.
Just a few more. Great list. 🙂
You know, I dislike tolls. I prefer it when they’re on bridges because then I can assume it’s just the troll who lives under the bridge requiring money for passage and they have to pass it off as something the public will understand.
something else that isn’t rape: underage drinking w/ your boyfriend & having sex/getting pregnant
Hear, hear.
If I could do something to cause everyone who got drunk, seduced their boyfriend, and then cried rape instantly burst into flame, I would.
I find it severely disturbing that the word “rape” is now used as casual slang to define anything the user does not like. If said user ever really got raped, I’m betting he/she would be a helluvalot less apt to throw the word around casually.
I’ve asked people before. “Ugh, that test totally RAPED me.” “Really? It took advantage of you and forced you to perform sexual acts against your will?” “No.” “When was the last time something did?” “Uh…never.” “Then shut the fuck up.”
Wait. Even between husband and wife, like when the husband asks for beer money and he has to not only take out the garbage but also do the dishes, is that not rape? Because we’ve been using the wrong terms around the house.
Can I…maybe mail you a dictionary? It might help.
I dunno… are/were strap-ons involved?
Rachael, have I ever told you how much I love you? Because I love you a LOT. Especially for things like this post. I had a couple friends who would use “rape” in similar ways, and I brought up the point that paying $6 for a sub is not rape, and is really not even anywhere near the realm of rape, at all. They told me to lighten up. For reasons not related to this, we are not friends anymore, and I am really not too sorry about it. They also used to word “retarded” to describe things that were not, in fact, retarded – “The guy only gave me one cup and I asked for two. I was like, are you retarded?” Oh, and racist – “You don’t like black jellybeans? That’s racist.”
What is it with r-words getting used inappropriately?
Man, you just raped the shit out of this comment.
Fuck. My name starts with an R. If people start using “Rachael” to describe things they hate, I am going to cry.
And obviously people do this because they’re retarded racist rapists. Racist rapists. Say that five times fast.
“Rachael” will obviously only be used inappropriately to describe TOTALLY AWESOME things. “Oh man, did you see last night’s new {insert TV show name here}? I love it, it was so Rachael!”
Other things that are not rape:
i) Your bus/train/taxi leaving on time when you were only one minute late.
ii) Michael Bolton.
iii) The geeky guy from school landing a job ten years down the line at five times your salary.
iv) Accidentally sending that XXX rated text you just wrote your partner to your mum instead.
v) Having your house robbed and your music collection stolen.
…Although the last one feels like catching an uncle watching you in the shower.
Congratulations on a great blog with a very valid point, sensitively if bluntly dealt with 🙂
The one that gets my hackles up every time is ‘retard’. Any douche who uses this word out of context should be forced to do a weeks community service as a mental health worker.
Oh, god. Could you imagine what those assholes would do to our already-suffering mental health system? I’d much rather they stay away.
Not sure what plan you’re on but this will be my second Netflix price increase in as many years. That said, you’re quite right about the quality of these tweets.
Someone else brought this to my attention. I don’t actually use Netflix on account of not caring enough about TV or movies to really pay any attention to it, so I scoured the internet in attempts to find information about previous price increases and came up with nothing. I guess this is just the first time anyone has given a shit.
OK, while I was really annoyed by netflix (yeah, yeah – truth is I still think there price provides value and I like it and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, plot point!), your attempt to buy the world a dictionary (and/or thesaurus) is priceless (man, it’s like I’m trying to write a master card commercial…).
Not really related, but the reason I found it annoying was I got an email that said – hey we’re changing our service to split out instant from dvds at whatever price each and if you change nothing that makes your bill $20. So it’s a $5 increase – I just thought it was obnoxious to not acknowledge the 30% increase and instead just hide that in the marketing change (like – oh, did that increase your price? I didn’t notice..). So really, it’s not the money. It’s the passive aggressiveness. …And the money.
JUSt discovered your blog from oh, noa and will be back!
It’s true. Inexpensive and convenient unlimited DVD rentals? $20 per month. Knowing the definition of a pretty fucking basic word? Priceless.
And you’re completely right. My point isn’t that the price increase isn’t annoying. I don’t really care about the price increase, as I don’t use Netflix. What I do care about is people not being wrong on the internet.
Prices on Netflix are still better than anywhere else. Unless, of course, you steal your tv and movies. 😉 I do not understand those angry a$$hats.
The best solution for angry asshats is usually fire. Lots of it. Unfortunately, I don’t want to be in prison so I give them witty blog posts instead. They probably eat that shit up.
Hi Rachael,
I just dropped in via Oh Noa…I’ll definitely be coming back here again soon. I think you’re preaching to the choir here, and doubt that the douchebags of the world will never actually see this post. Too bad…they might learn something.
I despise the use of the phrase “you’re so gay” or “that’s so gay” to mean someone or something you don’t like or are insulting. When my kids were in highschool (back in the dark ages of the early 2000s) and I heard them use that term in the car we certainly had a *discussion*. I asked them why being gay would be something bad (why else use it as an insult?) they said “it’s just an expression, mom.” My reply: “Oh yeah? Try asking [insert name of gay friend here] how they feel about it?” I’ve never heard my girls, or the friends who were in the car with them that day, use it again. Score one for the MomKat!
I was in high school around that same time. I used to get on the defensive all the time, but eventually it became something my brain tuned out because if I got on the defensive every time I heard it, I’d have strangled everyone in my (very small) school. I eventually stopped taking it personally (being half gay myself) so I could move. the fuck. on. But I can’t move the fuck on when people say “rape” like that.
I imagine, though, my children will receive a similar discussion from me if I ever hear that from them. Except I’ll leave out any reference to myself, because if they hate me, it’ll just be an agonist. And I’m pretty sure most teenagers hate their moms.