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Easter Dildos. Jesus would be so proud.

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I would hope that anyone reading this knows that the day after a holiday is often much more important than the holiday itself. If you don’t, I’ll explain why: all the candy is half off. So Monday night, Mike and I made our trek to the grocery store to obtain some precious discounted Reeses eggs. After a lot of wandering, we finally found the “discounted Easter shit” table right by the entrance to the store (there are two entrances, dammit) and stocked up on Reeses eggs. It’s a good thing Mike wanted to look closer to make sure we weren’t missing any Cadbury Creme eggs, because if he hadn’t, I never would have seen these:

A kids toy. Right. *wink*

Easter dildos. Except they’re not supposed to be dildos at all and you’re all perverts for even thinking that. If you’re confused, look closer at the image in the upper corner. Here:

It claims to be a great gift idea. You know, for that friend who whines too much about not having a boyfriend.

See? Not a dildo at all. Just a toy that you squeeze and the top ejaculates er, flies across the room. And you want to be careful not to get it in anyone’s eye, because projectiles are dangerous.

And they had to go and name them “bunny rockets.” As if bunnies and rockets aren’t associated with sex toys enough as it is. In fact, you might want to check out this comparison:

They both look pretty happy to be sitting on top of that thing, don't they?

Don’t these look an awful lot like these?

Via goodvibes.com

They’re missing the nifty textured caps, though.

I searched goodvibes.com for “bunny,” “rabbit” and “rocket.” “Bunny” got me 11 results. “Rabbit” got 26, and only some of them were overlap. “Rocket” only got 8 and one of them was a bunny. Is this so deeply ingrained in our society that we can’t create a fucking Easter toy without making dildos? Apparently. Apparently it is impossible to combine “bunny” and “rocket” and NOT get a dildo.

So we have something that is clearly a sex toy. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s double-ended. One side has thick ribbing (for your pleasure, obviously) and the other side has fancy nubs and bumps that are probably guaranteed to hit all the right spots or something like that. The plastic on the ribbed end is pretty flimsy, though, so be careful when you use it. You could squeeze it too hard, and you don’t want the tip flying off and getting anyone in the eye.

Now I have to figure out what the hell to do with four Easter dildos. Maybe I need to have a blog giveaway.

(Edited to add: “Bunny Dildo” originally brought to my attention by my friend Siren, whose post about hers might be the only reason I noticed them in the first place. Then she wrote another one after I planned this one and dammit, I was not going to not post it, but here is her second one too. It seems like there is some natural human reaction to Easter dildos.)

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About Rachael

Hi. I'm Rachael. I realized one day that, even though I read a lot of books, I often have a hard time remembering them later on. I guess that happens when there's so much to try to remember! So I started The 50 Book Project, with the intention to read and blog about 50 new (to me) books in 2014. I read a lot of fantasy, but I'm trying to branch out and experience new stuff. Any questions? Suggestions? Let me know! Comment, or email me at dearohrachael@gmail.com.

11 responses »

  1. I’ll love that giveaway

    Reply
    • I have to warn you, I’m not sure they’d actually work very well. Unless you just want one for entertainment value, in which case they work wonderfully.

      Reply
  2. Oh my god the Bunny Dildos, hahaha! I agree they just SCREAM to be analyzed in blog posts across the nation. They are so amazingly creepy.

    Yours in Bunny-Dildo Skeevied-Out-ness,
    Siren

    P.S. That cat dildo is fucking creepy, too.

    Reply
  3. HAHAHA! I found your blog linked from the Bloggess, and you are definitely on the RSS after this one.

    Makes you wonder why these companies don’t keep a 14-25 year old on their marketing committee just to catch stuff like this.

    Reply
    • Hah, I definitely agree! Every company that produces products needs to have a dirty-minded 20-something to notice things like these.

      Then again, maybe that’s who came up with it in the first place.

      Reply
  4. Ok, I am afraid to verify which creature that is on the yellow, um, rocket. It clearly looks like a chick to me. I can MAYBE deal with Chick Rocket. But let’s just say, for argument’s sake, that it grows up to be not a hen, but a rooster. Yeah. I’m sure I’ll end up in the spam folder if I put that one in words.

    Also Kitty there looks traumatized. Not unexpectedly, but for a job such as she has, you’d think they’d have found a more jaded or blase candidate.

    Reply
    • Y’know, I didn’t actually look closely at Kitty’s face until just now. Wow. She definitely looks like a little kid who broke a rule and Daddy is coming with a paddle or something.

      I’ll actually be sort of relieved if the Chick Rocket grows up to–actually, wait. If it grows up to be anything, that’s way beyond my comfort level. I don’t need my Easter Dildos alive, thank you.

      Reply
  5. These are the most inappropriate kids toys ever!

    Totally awesome!

    I want one, totally up for the giveaway…..

    Reply
  6. Pingback: Dildo jesus | Challengedsing

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