I HAVE RETURNED.
With features. Well, feature. Introducing: Medical Monday.
It seems like people enjoy thinking about the future. What awesome new technology will we come up with? What cool changes will happen in the world? Will aliens conquer our planet? When’s the zombie apocalypse happening and how can I best save the world when it does?
If you find yourself thinking about things like this, you’re missing a key idea: by the time most of this happens, you’re going to be old. You will be old and sick and probably in a lot of pain from whatever horrible diseases you’ve contracted or developed due to the disintegration of tissues or build-up of fat cells or whatever. At some point in your life, you’re going to go from I am going to kick some some zombie ass! to I hope I can make it to the toilet today.
Do you want that to happen? If not, keep reading. If so, this post is probably not for you, but that’s okay.
I HAVE SOLVED YOUR PROBLEM! (Actually, Mike, who is less than a month away from being Mike, M.D. has solved your problem.) Do you want to go out knowing that you still could have kicked major zombie ass? That you actually have at least some vague idea of how to use the newest, most up-to-date technology without having a 7-year-old explain it to you? Now you can.
All you need is Preventative Euthanasia.
See, normally, you can only get euthanasia–wait. You can’t get euthanasia. Hold on. In theory, euthanasia is for people who have illnesses that are making them miserable and incoherent. PREVENTATIVE euthanasia is for people who realize that, eventually, some illness will make them miserable and incoherent and likely sitting in a puddle of their own diarrhea for hours before a nurse realizes and cleans them up, and that it’s probably best to quit while you’re ahead. With preventative euthanasia, you’ll never reach that point.
Now, you might be wondering: what is the difference between preventative euthanasia and suicide? But I just explained that. Suicide is a horrible thing that happens when someone thinks their life is completely terrible right now. Preventative euthanasia is for people who think their life is pretty cool right now and want their life to be cool for the whole time it’s around.
You might be thinking, Rachael, this sounds awesome. How do I get in on it? Think no longer. (About this, that is. Please continue thinking in general.) All you need is a 2-liter bottle of orange soda (some say older is better, but that’s up for discussion) and an IV bag (and tubing and needle). Pour the soda into the bag, get someone with some medical knowledge to attach it to you, and wait. And as you die a probably horrible and painful death from having orange soda directly injected into your blood system, know that you won’t go out in a depressing, horribly embarrassing way.
DISCLAIMER: My blog’s disclaimer is especially true in posts like this: don’t take what I say on here seriously (except for the few instances when, like now, I’m asking you to take me seriously for a minute or two). And the fact that Mike is close to being a Real Doctor does not mean that the random shit he comes up with in his spare time is a good idea. DON’T DO THIS. Please do not kill yourself, either with an orange soda IV or with anything else. Suicide is a horrible thing and it’s tragic that it affects so many. If you feel suicidal, please call a help line. If you feel depressed or anxious or lost or apathetic, please call a doctor and try to find a psychiatrist and/or psychologist in your area. I’ve gone through difficult things and met a lot of people who have gone through worse things. There’s some stigma against therapy, but it’s smaller than you realize. Most of the time, people respect the strength it took you to begin looking for help in the first place, and they don’t judge you based on the fact that your brain makes the wrong amount of some chemical or other.
AND ON ANOTHER SERIOUS NOTE: Euthanasia is a very serious topic that I can’t even begin to cover by myself. However, one of my favorite authors, Terry Pratchett, suffers from early-onset Alzheimer’s and wrote a beautiful, moving essay on the topic. I urge you to read it.