I’ve heard a lot of talk about how “we’re all going to die” because “The Raptor” is coming. I think someone probably made a mistake somewhere, because I don’t think the raptors would just send one ambassador over. It’s also possible that people just don’t remember how to properly pluralize words anymore and have started speaking solely in the singular. It’s okay, though, because I knew what they meant. And I’m not sure how people managed to not tell me this for so long. I mean, come on! If anyone can negotiate with them, I can. I speak Velociraptor and everything.
The thing is, we don’t have to die. I mean, yeah, if the raptors show up and we are all standing there with rocket launchers or machine guns or whatever they’ll take us out, but like I said–negotiation. The first thing we need to do is make sure they know we don’t want to hurt them. Now, clearly not everyone is on the same page here. I mean, I bet there are plenty of people who will want to take the raptors out immediately, and I look upon them with scorn. However, if you’re with me in welcoming and being friendly with the raptors in order to create a multi-species-friendly environment here on Earth.
I made a welcome banner. Anyone who wants to use it has my permission. Just print it out on a giant piece of paper or fabric or something and hang it on the outside of your house.
The next step is to accept the possibility that, no matter how peaceful we are toward them, they might not share the same feelings. Whether it’s because our neighbors are throwing grenades at them or because they blame us for the dinopocalypse that killed them all in the first place, it’s possible that they’re just here to eat us. If we notice that this is the case, there are a few important steps that we’ll have to take. (You might have a few days to do this–pay attention to where they first show up. If they’re on the other side of the world, you probably have time.)
FIRST: Check for velociraptor entry points. Bay windows, big sliding glass doors, walls replaced with just a piece of plywood or something–you’ll want to secure these. Iron bars, really thick sheets of plexiglass, whatever. Use something strong and make sure it’s guarding from inside, because their little claws are surprisingly dextrous.
SECOND: Find the safest spot in your house. Try to stay away from doors and windows, or put as many doors between you and the raptors as possible. It’ll slow them down and allow you to mentally prepare yourself for their onslaught. Make sure you bring along plenty of food and guns.
THIRD: Take a look at some practice situations. If you run through enough different situations beforehand, you’ll be better equipped to know the best course of action when they actually show up. XKCD gives three really great situations to start you off. From there, try moving the raptors around, changing the number, switching up the floor plan, etc. Look for safe places to hop into before you’re devoured–if you have a cement capsule handy, that should help.
FOURTH: Be prepared to make some sacrifices. If they’re not willing to be peaceful at first, they might change their minds after you let them eat your dog or cat or entire cattle farm. The less hungry they are, the longer we live.
Now, keep in mind that if the raptors are not willing to negotiate, we’re probably all fucked. All this will do is keep you alive a little bit longer. Your best bet is really to start off friendly with them and feel the situation out from there. With luck, we’ll all be safe.
Well…good luck tomorrow, everyone. I hope you guys make it through. I really do. Remember, we’re all in this together.
UPDATE: So it turns out that this whole time they’ve all been saying “rapture” and not “raptor“. Enunciate, people. It’s important. If people can’t understand you clearly, they might think they’re being visited by raptors and get all excited and make a banner. But you know what? I’m keeping the banner. I will always be prepared for raptor visits. And even though the raptors didn’t come today, I think the tips in this post could be helpful in the future so I’m leaving it up.
P.S. Sorry you weren’t worthy. It’s okay, though. I wasn’t either.