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Horrible Medical Advice of the Week: Dremel Tools and You

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Dammit, I made this a weekly feature last week, didn’t I? Okay. Commitment. I can handle that. Let’s do this.

You might think that Dremel Tools are only good for creating holes in your face that will relieve sinus pressure. (What? You’ve never thought of that? Huh. Okay. I guess this is all new for you, then!)

A lot of pain that people experience is caused by pressure in one form or another. I mentioned sinus pressure above because it’s particularly common right now, when we find ourselves in the middle of allergy season, but there are so many more. Gas cramps? Pressure. Infection? There’s more to it than pressure, but I’m pretty sure there’s pressure involved in the building up of infectious goo shit. And then a bunch of pain caused by fluid collecting in whatever area. Oh, and we can’t forget blood pressure. Just a reminder of how important it is.

The best way to relieve pressure is to drain whatever’s causing it. In most cases, people go to the hospital for this. Going to the hospital, however, often leads to overwhelmingly large medical bills and, well, higher blood pressure when you have to deal with your insurance company and their refusal to cover the surgery you needed. So we need an at-home remedy, and how hard could it be?

All you need to do is drill a hole wherever the pain is.

It doesn’t even have to be pain! Drill a hole wherever the whatever-is-wrong is. Crazy? Drill a hole in your head! Don’t worry, they’ve been doing it since ancient times.

Hieronymus Bosch's painting "Stone Cutting" depicts the ancient practice of Trepanning, when holes were drilled in your head to make you less crazy. Also, that dude is wearing a Tin Man hat.

So the best way to do this nowadays is probably a Dremel Tool. You might have heard of one (or seen one, or used one). They make holes in things. In fact, they can make a lot of different kinds of holes in things. Check it out:

Look at all those hole-making accessories!

It’s a pretty small picture, but you can see how easy this might be to use. It’s be like holding a giant pen that has pretty much every tip you could possibly hope for. There are small-hole tools–great for draining those sinuses. Then there are big-hole tools, for the at-home trepanning you need. The cylindrical ones look like they’d go through bones if you wanted them to! And then the big, flat disc-looking ones could even remove any bumps from your skin that you don’t like, and you could probably even get nail-buffing attachments.

Small tips would be great for sinuses (as I mentioned), draining blood from one of those under-your-fingernail blood blisters, or relieving small, visible abscesses. Larger tips could be used for drilling into places you can’t locate perfectly (like cramps), or perhaps creating the larger hole to let you find the internal pressure (like bigger, internal abscesses).

So stop wasting your money on hospital bills and order yourself a Dremel Tool for a one-time fee. Then take care of every problem you have with it. Just remember to be liberal in your pouring-alcohol-on-the-wound-to-disinfect thing, or else you’ll just have to operate again.

Disclaimer: Don’t do this. Really. Go to the hospital if you need to. Trepanning went out of style for a reason.

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About Rachael

Hi. I'm Rachael. I realized one day that, even though I read a lot of books, I often have a hard time remembering them later on. I guess that happens when there's so much to try to remember! So I started The 50 Book Project, with the intention to read and blog about 50 new (to me) books in 2014. I read a lot of fantasy, but I'm trying to branch out and experience new stuff. Any questions? Suggestions? Let me know! Comment, or email me at dearohrachael@gmail.com.

13 responses »

  1. You know, brain surgeons don’t really know much more than what you’re saying, so I think it’s absolutely great that you’re finding new and improved uses for the Dremel tool.

    P.S. I like to say fuck a lot and I like dinosaurs, too. Carry on.

    Reply
    • Oh my god, the amount of stuff neurosurgeons know is INSANE. Did you know that after med school, they go through 6-8 ADDITIONAL years of training? You give up a decade to 12 years of your life if that’s what you want to do. I sure as hell HOPE they know more than I do here!

      But I bet they still use dremel tools for everything. They’re just PRACTICAL.

      Reply
  2. Hey, I bet if you did drill a great big hole in your lower torso, you’d forget about your cramps really quickly!

    Haha, I love this. I hope you do continue this as a weekly feature!

    Reply
    • I know, right? Even if the pressure relief thing doesn’t work, you’d have the whole other-pain-distracting thing. I think there’s a medical term for that but I don’t remember and Mike is distracted so I can’t ask.

      I have enough pieces of horrible medical advice that I should be able to keep this up for at least a few months, and that’s without Mike saying anything else ridiculous.

      Reply
  3. I had a really bad headache the other day (SINUS PRESSURE BEHIND THE EYEBALLS) and one of my customers dropped off a Dremel order form from like 1971 that he got with the tool he bought at a garage sale, which he uses to de-resinate his pipe. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

    Also, spellcheck says “resinate” is not a word. Fuck you, spellcheck.

    Reply
    • Actually, in terms of NOT horrible medical advice, it turns out 85% of people who think they have sinus issues actually have migraines or cluster headaches that happen to be in the front of their face. I thought I had sinus issues and was ready to reach for the Dremel Tool when my doctor gave me migraine pills and BAM. All better.

      But that’s still an excellent coincidence. And I was confused about the “resinate” thing until I remembered that pipes have resin.

      Reply
  4. Next time my stupid iliotibial bands start acting up, I’m drilling holes in those bitches.

    Reply
  5. Thanks to Oh Noa, I just happened upon this new online medical resource.

    Of note, it appears the patient in the above photo has significant pressure building in his crotch. A small drill-bit to the nut sack may be in order.

    Reply
    • That could be dangerous. The pressure building, that is. Maybe an aneurysm burst or something? He’s got to get straight to the ER if he doesn’t want to bleed out. Into his balls. Which, you gotta admit, would be a pretty epic way to go.

      Reply
      • Could you imagine the embarrassment though?

        “How’d George die?”
        “Well, his balls exploded.”
        “Blue?”
        “No. Dremel.”

        And yet I am entirely looking forward to having that conversation at a funeral…

        Reply
        • I was thinking more of his conversations in the afterlife: “So how’d you go?” “Oh, I died when my sack got too big.” “Oh. Uh, wow. I mean. Wow.”

          But it would be hilarious funeral talk! If there is such a thing.

          Reply
  6. Pingback: Things I Like | tess mackenzie

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