Horrible Medical Advice of the Week: Dremel Tools and You

Dammit, I made this a weekly feature last week, didn’t I? Okay. Commitment. I can handle that. Let’s do this.

You might think that Dremel Tools are only good for creating holes in your face that will relieve sinus pressure. (What? You’ve never thought of that? Huh. Okay. I guess this is all new for you, then!)

A lot of pain that people experience is caused by pressure in one form or another. I mentioned sinus pressure above because it’s particularly common right now, when we find ourselves in the middle of allergy season, but there are so many more. Gas cramps? Pressure. Infection? There’s more to it than pressure, but I’m pretty sure there’s pressure involved in the building up of infectious goo shit. And then a bunch of pain caused by fluid collecting in whatever area. Oh, and we can’t forget blood pressure. Just a reminder of how important it is.

The best way to relieve pressure is to drain whatever’s causing it. In most cases, people go to the hospital for this. Going to the hospital, however, often leads to overwhelmingly large medical bills and, well, higher blood pressure when you have to deal with your insurance company and their refusal to cover the surgery you needed. So we need an at-home remedy, and how hard could it be?

All you need to do is drill a hole wherever the pain is.

It doesn’t even have to be pain! Drill a hole wherever the whatever-is-wrong is. Crazy? Drill a hole in your head! Don’t worry, they’ve been doing it since ancient times.

Hieronymus Bosch's painting "Stone Cutting" depicts the ancient practice of Trepanning, when holes were drilled in your head to make you less crazy. Also, that dude is wearing a Tin Man hat.

So the best way to do this nowadays is probably a Dremel Tool. You might have heard of one (or seen one, or used one). They make holes in things. In fact, they can make a lot of different kinds of holes in things. Check it out:

Look at all those hole-making accessories!

It’s a pretty small picture, but you can see how easy this might be to use. It’s be like holding a giant pen that has pretty much every tip you could possibly hope for. There are small-hole tools–great for draining those sinuses. Then there are big-hole tools, for the at-home trepanning you need. The cylindrical ones look like they’d go through bones if you wanted them to! And then the big, flat disc-looking ones could even remove any bumps from your skin that you don’t like, and you could probably even get nail-buffing attachments.

Small tips would be great for sinuses (as I mentioned), draining blood from one of those under-your-fingernail blood blisters, or relieving small, visible abscesses. Larger tips could be used for drilling into places you can’t locate perfectly (like cramps), or perhaps creating the larger hole to let you find the internal pressure (like bigger, internal abscesses).

So stop wasting your money on hospital bills and order yourself a Dremel Tool for a one-time fee. Then take care of every problem you have with it. Just remember to be liberal in your pouring-alcohol-on-the-wound-to-disinfect thing, or else you’ll just have to operate again.

Disclaimer: Don’t do this. Really. Go to the hospital if you need to. Trepanning went out of style for a reason.