Before I begin, I want to explain that I am in the process of moving and realizing that I don’t have nearly enough shit packed right now to be moving on Tuesday and I still need to paint the apartment and go to Mike’s graduation. I’m sure you understand that this puts quite a bit of stress on me, so I might be slightly more critical here than is entirely necessary because, you see, stress makes me hate everything. But I think that, even without the stress, I would still think the following items are fucking stupid.
Fendi, I know you’re a high-profile designer and an expert in your field, but even experts can fuck up big time. The above dress is an example of that. I like that you’re trying to appeal to a new and exciting demographic. I do. I hate when I look in a store and realize that there is nothing sold there that anyone who is not a 19 year old female trying to sneak into a bar would wear–there should be some versatility in design, appeal to all ages and walks of life. However, the Amish do not shop online. They also do not use things that would allow them to get to your stores or stores that sold your things, so even if this is available in stores somewhere, it is unlike that its target demographic will have access to it. As a matter of face, I am pretty sure they sew their own clothing and do not have $2,570.00 to spend on something one of their 10-year-olds can make.
Juicy, you have baffled everyone except teenage girls since the day you first came into existence. Do you realize that when people who aren’t teenage girls see the word “Juicy” on someone’s ass, they are more likely to wonder what kind of juice an ass produces and be very disgusted at the results? (If you’re thinking it’s just me, it’s not. I did a survey once.) This, though, confuses me even more. It’s a watch. In fact, it’s a watch made of plastic. I think I remember getting something very similar to this watch in a box of cereal when I was young. Why, then, do you think it’s okay to charge $195.00 for it? It might be worth a dollar.
I have to hand it to you, BCBGirls. At first, I looked at this shoe and thought, why the fuck would anyone make or wear a shoe that looks like it was inspired by someone puking on a fishing net? I was hell of confused there for a few minutes. Eventually, though, it dawned on me: these are the perfect shoes to wear to a party where you just know someone is going to puke on your feet. I imagine that plenty of college girls out there would pay the almost-reasonable $98.00 price tag in order to have something that looked the same after one of “those nights.”
What happened to you, Urban Outfitters? You used to be cool! But in recent years, you’ve made yourself into a place that is filled with dirty hipsters looking for clothes that they won’t admit are made for dirty hipsters. While $32.00 would normally not be too extravagant for a t-shirt that I really liked (a little expensive, yes, but doable), I’m definitely not going to spend that much on something that I can’t even donate to the Salvation Army after I realize how stupid it is. In fact, if I gave this shirt to a young homeless woman who needed clothing, I’d probably spend the next month paranoid that she was going to come stab me for being such a bitch.
Moschino, I don’t even know where to begin with this. I understand that stripes are “in” right now. I understand that shirts with clever sayings on them are “in” as well. Normally, I would think combining the two would be a bad idea–it’s giving me a headache to look at this thing. If you have to put words on skinny stripes, though, these ones make sense. But what’s up with that elipses there? You’re implying something, right? You’re implying: BITCH! Do you really want your customers implicitly calling everyone who reads their t-shirt a bitch? More importantly, though. I love t-shirts. The best part about them is that they are made with t-shirt material. In fact, I try to avoid clothing that isn’t made of t-shirt material (it’s called “Jersey” I guess but that makes me think of Jersey Shore and then I need to cry) whenever possible–it’s just more comfortable. So why the fuck did you make this shirt out of silk? A dry-clean only t-shirt? Have you lost your fucking mind? Wait–I shouldn’t be asking you that. You’re charging $630.00 for a god damn t-shirt.
Well, designers, I hope we’ve all learned some important lessons here. There’s a reason these things have been marked down to clearance prices and emailed to me in Shop It To Me form and I’ve explained it. Next time you want to make a piece of clothing, maybe run it by your brain first.
UPDATE: P.S., Mike looked up the “polyamide” material that the Amish dress is made of. Turns out? It’s a fancy name for fucking nylon. I’m calling your bluff, Fendi. We’re not buying your dress OR your bullshit.