Of course, the Native Americans didn’t realize that they’d happened upon a great dandruff remedy at the time. It’s only centuries after they stopped that we’re able to look back and see how practical scalping could be.
Now, okay. Some of you may be worried. I can hear you. “Scalping? Didn’t that kill people?” Well, yeah, but so did strep throat. And if a doctor told you that a chronic issue you had could be cured with an injection of strep bacteria, which would be immediately treated with the proper antibiotics, would you go for it? Probably! Medicine’s come a long way, so let’s see where we can go with this one.
Okay. So you use a knife, I think. And you cut around your hairline. Or something. I’m not exactly sure and honestly? I don’t want to look it up because I might find gross pictures. (Note: I also don’t want to look up strep throat.) And then I guess you rip really hard, because even if skin is pretty much completely detached it still holds on pretty well. I don’t know why. I just know that I had a blister and I could see the raw and icky stuff under it but it still hurt like a bitch to pull the skin off it. So it’ll hurt like a bitch. But you’ve got options! That should make everything better.
Option 1: Don’t cut very deep. You only need to remove enough skin to form a scar, because hair doesn’t grow out of scars. Usually. So get a boxcutter that has medical-grade precision when it comes to how far out the blade sticks, and you’ll be left with raw skin that will scar over and you probably won’t bleed to death.
Option 2: Cauterize the wound. Take a bowl that is about the size of your head and stick it in a fire that you built in your backyard (if you don’t have a backyard, try the kitchen). When you’re done ripping your scalp off, use giant tongs and oven mitts to grab the bowl out of the fire and put it over your head. If you’re not careful, it might end up sticking to your head, which would mean that instead of dandruff you have a permanent metal helmet. So you might want to decorate it first, viking-style. If it doesn’t stick to your head, the heat will cause you to stop bleeding.
Option 3: Superglue. Fill the same bowl that you’d use in option 2 with superglue. As soon as your scalp is removed, dunk your head in the bucket. You’ll glue all the blood in. You might have the same issue with it sticking to your head, so I’d say you should still decorate it like a viking helmet.
So there you have it. Just like aspirin, modern medicine is now able to take something discovered by the Native Americans* and make it available to everyone.
*I’m not actually entirely sure they did this. I just read about it in A Light in the Forest when I was 12. I hated that book. It’s possible that I didn’t even read about it and I just made up new contents that were more interesting than what actually happened in the book. So it’s possible that the Native Americans didn’t scalp anyone in A Light in the Forest OR in real life, and if they did, it might have only been certain tribes. I’m honestly pretty clueless here.
DISCLAIMER: It’s called horrible medical advice for a reason. Dr. Boyfriend advises against doing anything I said in this post except the part where you wear a viking helmet.