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Monthly Archives: July 2011

I GOT A BLOG AWARD!

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Guys guys guys. This is SUPER FUCKING EXCITING. I mean, I imagine everyone is super fucking excited when they get their first blog award, right? So I’m sure you all understand the necessity of my posting to announce the news. I mean, I’m a freakin’ n00b here, you know? I’ve only been around since April! And not only am I in the League of Funny Bitches, but I also have….THIS:

Bitchin’.

Siren designed this award and definitely did not give it to me at all in any way. Can you believe it? I am on the fast track to internet fame and never having to leave my house again.

I’d like to thank…myself.

In other news, I noticed a puddle of water on the floor when I woke up absurdly early this morning and it turns out there was a leaky pipe so now it’s being fixed, but there are two huge holes in our ceiling because the pipe goes from one room to the next, and also a missing pipe. It is currently at the stage of repair where if the guy upstairs flushes the toilet, it’ll empty onto my stove. Do Gorons go to the bathroom? I don’t think Gorons go to the bathroom. We should be safe.

EDIT: Siren has come up with a few (minor) rules (okay, like, one)* about this blog award, and that is: When you post it, whether it be in a post or a sidebar or whatever, link it back to where you got it. If you click the one in my sidebar, it will bring you to Siren’s page about how the award came about and how it works. Lacrema, who stole the award from me, has linked it back to me (well, to both me and Siren). So if someone steals it from Lac, the idea is that they’ll link back to her. And then eventually when the award is all over the place because, come on, who wouldn’t want this award, you can see it and click back and follow the whole trail to what will probably be a lot of interesting blogs on the way. Cool? Okay, cool.

*It’s really more like a guideline.

100 Reasons I Shouldn’t Fill Out Stupid Memes

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I originally filled this out back in April, when a friend posted it on Facebook and I thought it might be fun because I hadn’t done one of these since Livejournal and oh my god remember Livejournal?! So. Yeah. I filled it out, but instead of “100 things about me” as the original creators seemed to intend, it ended up being…well, the title up there. And I was looking over it and snickering and I thought, y’know, this thing probably has a home on my blog over there. So here we are. Keep in mind that I actually wrote this in April, so the not all the answers are exactly correct anymore, but I didn’t feel like redoing the whole thing. Are you ready? There’s a QUESTION for you at the end!

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage = Water. I’m exciting.

2. Last Phone call = I called my brother this morning in order to help him locate his phone. Does that count? We didn’t actually talk. I hung up when he found it. So if that doesn’t count, my dad called me this morning to say that we should go over there at 11:30 instead of 11 and I was still asleep so I was very confused about what the phone was and how someone was talking to me through it, so maybe that doesn’t even count. Fuck.

3. Last text message = Received or sent? Last one I sent said “Um. I’m sure they don’t.”

4. Last song you listened to = Actively listened to, or heard idly playing in the background? I think the last full song I actively listened to was “I Wish I Could Go Back To College” from Avenue Q which is funny because I really don’t want to go back to college ever and would actually rather be not in college right now.

5. Last time you cried = Probably sometime within the past few days. I’m not sure. I cry about pretty much everything so I’m sure it was recent.

 

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice = Yes, but not since middle school. I wasn’t actually aware this was a phenomenon in the real world.

7. Been cheated on = Not that I know of. I mean, it isn’t generally the type of thing a person advertises, is it?

8. Kissed someone & regretted it = I can say with about 95% certainty that I have, but I’d be hard-pressed to actually come up with a specific incident where it happened because I generally have the good sense to not kiss people I’d regret kissing unless I’m completely fucking shitfaced. (Actually, if I don’t really remember it later, can I really say I regretted it? I mean, I don’t remember it happening. So maybe no, and if I have, it’s been years. YEARS.)

9. Lost someone special = Once when I was little my family went to Wendy’s for dinner and I brought Bunky, my teddy bear, and somehow left him there. I’m pretty sure I flipped the fuck out and threw all sorts of tantrums and my parents called up the Wendy’s and managed to get someone to hold on to him for me so we could retrieve him the next day, but that night? Horrible.

10. Been depressed = One long stretch of situational depression and I’m pretty sure I get S.O.-S.A.D. I want a lamp.

11. Been drunk and threw up = The last time this happened, Mike was driving me back from a friend’s house and I’d been fairly drunk but it hadn’t seemed that bad, and I totally wasn’t carsick, not at all, until he stopped for gas and then suddenly it was AWFUL and I had to puke in the gas station’s trash can with possibly all sorts of people staring at me but I don’t remember because I was drunk. Lesson: Parting shots are a bad idea.

 

FIRST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Wait, like, in chronological order? Like, what was my very first favorite color ever when I was really little?

13. Or do you want the top three that I like right now?

14. Also, colors all have their place. I’d say green is my favorite, but different greens for different occasions, and there are often times when there are better options.

 

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend = Many within the past 12 months, but it’s hard to place things around the January 1st timeframe. Can we go with academic years? Those make more sense to me.

16. Fallen out of love = No. That would be stupid. Also, what the fuck is with these equals signs? Did the makers of this meme know what a question mark is?

17. Laughed until you cried = Yes. See, sleep deprivation will do funny things to you, and at some point everything on the internet is so funny you’ll cry laughing. I don’t recommend trying to get to this point of no sleep, but if you do, look at some fucking lolcats.

18. Met someone who changed you = Again, within the past 12 months, yes. I’m going to go with “no” since January 1st, though.

19. Found out who your true friends were = No, that’s what last year was for. (Actually, yeah, that was still ongoing 12 months ago too.)

20. Found out someone was talking about you = Am I still supposed to care if someone is talking about me? Hold on. No, my license clearly says I’m over 21, which means I’m almost definitely means I’m over 15, so I don’t think this sorta stuff should be mattering to me.

21. Kissed anyone on your friends list = Uh, yeah. Having a boyfriend kind of does this.

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life = I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Is there some sort of rule that people I know through the internet don’t count as people I know in real life? Are they not real? Like, I’m pretty sure they do actually exist. I feel like I know a lot of them better than the people I see frequently. I’m gonna say all of them, because I don’t believe I’m friends with any fictional characters on Facebook.

23. How many kids do you want to have = I feel like this isn’t really something I can know until I’m there, but I generally lean toward two when I try to estimate. Someday my third child is going to see this and be very, very upset. YES, YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT, BUT I LOVE YOU ANYWAY. DEAL.

24. Do you have any pets = I have a stuffed tiger, Sammy, who is curious and very earnest, and a stuffed fox, Angus, who is a mischievous little fuck and likes to get Sammy into trouble. Please don’t send me to the psych hospital.

25. Do you want to change your name = Like, my first name? No, I think that’d be silly. I mean, if I named myself, it wouldn’t be Rachael, but I don’t have problems with Rachael as a name that was given to me. I plan to change my last name when I get married despite the fact that whatever news station I was watching recently said it will cost me half a million dollars in salary over my lifespan, because I read the study they were talking about and you know what? The way they did it was to ask college students whether they’d hire someone who had changed her last name when she got married and how much they’d pay her. Not really a valid research method there, guys.

26. What did you do for your last birthday = Sushi! We went out for sushi at a delicious place. Mike made me a wonderful cake that has become my go-to for any situations where I need to bring a delicious and impressive dessert. It was an excellent day.

27. What time did you wake up today = My dad called me absurdly early to tell me I could sleep a little later so I technically woke up then but went right back to sleep until my alarm went off at 10:30. (Also, “absurdly early” is anytime before 10. Anytime before noon is just “early”.)

28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Getting home, I think. Possibly interneting.

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = Hm. If I’m not doing it right this instant, I technically can wait. And I could totally wait to be doing this, too. Huh. NOTHING. (Did you mean I should name something I’m very much looking forward to? Oh! Sorry. You should be less ambiguous in the wording of your questions.)

30. Last time you saw your mother = This morning.

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = Nothing. I’m happy now, and if I changed anything that had happened in the past, I wouldn’t be where/who I am now. I’d sort of like to fast forward a bit, but I’m sure there will be cool things that I’d miss out on if I did that.

32. What are you listening to right now = Animals outside my house making their obnoxious OMG NIGHTTIME noises. I think I hear frogs and birds and a dog.

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = Definitely. A number of them, in fact. HINT: The number is greater than 1.

34. What’s getting on your nerves right now = I kind of have a migraine problem and I can’t figure out what’s causing them. My doctor told me to keep track of what I’d eaten in 12 hours prior to any migraine and look for common foods or ingredients, and so far I’ve come up with “carbon” and that still doesn’t include the one I got when I hadn’t eaten anything for 12 hours. I’m thinking that maybe it isn’t food-related.

35. Most visited webpage(s) = My inbox and twitter are always open. (That’s what she said.)

36. Eye color = Well, there’s a black circle thing, so that part’s black. And then around it there’s a thing that’s sort of variegated, green and gold, but it changes slightly depending on what I’m wearing so it’s more “chameleon.” And then around that is white with some red lines, and sometimes there are more red lines than other times. I think inside is all red, or at least some shade of pink.

37. Relationship status = Soon to be cohabiting with my long-term boyfriend.

38. Favorite Book = The Great Book of Amber. I’m not really sure if it counts as one book because it’s technically 10 books published in one giant volume but I love every single one of them and Roger Zelazny is a fucking genius. Honorable mentions go to Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett and China Mieville, and no I can’t just pick books by them and honestly I feel a bit cheap just giving them honorable mentions here. They’re better than that. I love ALL the books.

39. Zodiac sign = It just occurred to me that at some point the heading “THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:” stopped applying a long time ago and a new one wasn’t supplied and this is bothering me a lot but actually if I think about it, “This year have you zodiac sign?” kind of makes at least a little bit of sense given the whole changes to the system thing that happened (but wasn’t really put into effect), so I’m gonna say Leo. It used to be Virgo.

40. Do you have a crush on someone? = Not in the usual sense of the word, but there are people I would really love to crush. With rocks. And other people I would like to crush with hugs.

41. Primary school = Where you learn very basic things that you’ll need to know later on in life, except for long division which can suck it.

42. Middle School = Really a continuation of the above.

43. College = Probably going to be a lot more useful than I’m giving it credit for right now, but there are so many goddamn hipsters there.

44. Hair color = I’m not entirely sure. I think it’s sitting on the line between blonde and brown. I will have to go to a store and hold my hair up to a bunch of hair dye boxes and get back to you.

45. Long or short = It’s actually fairly long right now! About armpit-length. I desperately need a haircut to get rid of split ends, but I’m still growing it out. I want super long hair!

46. Height = 5’9”

47. Found a new pet peeve = Since when? Are we going back to the “this year have you” thing? Because if we took a long (unannounced) break from that and are going back (again unannounced), then yes definitely I have discovered a pet peeve. Also, the fact that whether or not there is a space (a) between the period and the first letter of each questiony-thing and (b) before and/or after the equals sign is not consistent is pissing me off because I have to fix every. single. question.

48. What do you like about yourself = I like that I find the world as interesting as I do.

49. Piercings = Generally expected on the ears of American females above a certain age and fairly common in many other locations. I find them interesting and, in some cases, grotesque. I have my ears and belly button pierced.

50. Tattoos = Probably often drunken decisions that people will regret within a month. Seriously. The other day I saw a guy with a “shocker” tattoo ON HIS NECK in the grocery store. Dude, you are never going to get a job. I would like to have a tattoo, but it’s hard to think of something that is meaningful now and will continue to be meaningful for the rest of my life so I won’t regret it.

51. Righty or Lefty = I am codominant. This means that I am left handed in some ways (writing, fencing, chopping things) and right handed in others (most sports, using the TV remote). I usually identify as a lefty, though, because this explanation sort of confuses people.

 

FIRSTS:

52. First Surgery = I had my wisdom teeth out. I got dry sockets. The holes went up to my sinuses, so I got all sorts of mouth- and food-bacteria in my sinuses and then got a raging sinus infection that drained into my mouth via my tooth-holes. I really don’t want to ever have surgery again.

53. First Piercing = I got my ears pierced at Limited Too when I was 11. I don’t remember which side they did first.

54. First best friend = I can remember back to kindergarten. Her name was Heather. She kicked ass. In fact, I think she still does.

55. First sport you joined = Probably tee-ball when I was very little, but I didn’t really “join” that so much as get signed up for it by my parents. So, um, field hockey in middle school?

56. First Vacation = I went to Ireland and England when I was 1. My mom was pregnant with my brother at the time and I enjoyed jumping up and down on her belly. There were frequent sheep-crossings in the road and I got excited every time I saw one and yelled PSHEEEEEEEEEP! BAAAAAAAAH! (Yes, that first P should be there. Yes, it’s difficult to pronounce. No, I don’t know why I thought there should be a P there.) At dinner one night my parents ordered me a mini pizza and it was the most exciting thing in the world to have a whole pizza all to myself. And it was grown-up food and everything! I have a picture somewhere.

 

RIGHT NOW:

57. Sleeping = probably what I should be doing, but I would like to echo the friend I stole this from in the first place in saying how could I be sleeping AND doing this?

58. On the phone = No. If someone called, I would probably stop filling this out until the conversation was over, so again: this would not be compatible with filling out this survey. Also, do you realize what time it is? Clearly not.

59. Eating = Again. I would stop surveying to eat. But no, I’m not eating.

60. Drinking = No. This is getting annoying.

61. I’m about to = answer this question. Wait, I just did that. Answer the next question.

62. Listening to = Survey, we already went over this.

63. Waiting for = Godot.

 

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids = Yes, but please give me at least 5 years before you start nagging me about it if you’re planning to nag me about it.

65. Get married = Probably within 2-3 years.

66. Career = Famous novelist, famous webcomic artist or famous blogger would all work, but if none of them happen I’ll settle for not being famous.

 

WHICH IS BETTER W/ GUYS/ GIRLS:

67. Lips or eyes = They both kind of come together to form general “face” stuff, which is important. Better? I imagine it would be easier to live without seeing than without having a mouth, so I’m going to go with lips. Though we could probably have mouths without lips. Hmm. Also I don’t think this really has anything to do with gender. And really, wouldn’t the one I like more depend on the person I look at? I mean, I’m probably not going to look at someone with gorgeous eyes and be focusing on their average-looking lips. Or vice versa.

68. Hugs or kisses = No. They are different. I can’t say one is better, because sometimes I really need a hug and other times I really need a kiss. This is a dumb question. NEXT.

69. Taller or shorter = The exact same height as me. Seriously. If we are standing barefoot on level ground, I want our eyes to be at the same level. Subconsciously, at least. I never intended to only date people my height.

70. Younger or older = See, the reason these questions are so dumb is that the fact that I have a boyfriend with whom I am very happy, so obviously the answer to what I prefer will be whatever he is because I prefer him. He is older than I am.

71. Romantic or spontaneous = In general? Spontaneous. Being romantic all the time would get annoying. However, an occasional romantic night is nice.

72. Nice stomach or nice arms = Like, on their own? Huh. A disembodied stomach would be really fucking creepy, so I’m gonna go with that. (Seriously. Can you imagine that on a crime scene show? “Ya got anything, Dinozzo?” “Well, Gibbs, the Lieutenant’s stomach is lying on the ground over there—” (McGee vomits. Ducky begins telling a story about an ancient culture that used to remove the stomach tissue from their dead before burial because they believed it trapped the soul inside the body. Palmer bags it. Gibbs smacks Tony. Cut to: Abby, dancing in her lab.)

73. Sensitive or loud = I feel that these are not necessarily mutually exclusive at all in terms of personality traits, nor are they necessarily personality traits. This is officially a stupid question. Moving on.

74. Hook-up or relationship = This should definitely be clear to you by now.

75. Trouble maker or hesitant = I think my alignment falls somewhere around Neutral Good but I like the idea of being Chaotic Good because I’d be more like Batman. Chaotic Neutral would be cool if it wouldn’t mean that I’d basically have no sense of sympathy or empathy.

 

HAVE YOU EVER:

76. Kissed a stranger = I think so.

77. Drank hard liquor = I have done jello shots with my mom’s boyfriend.

78. Lost glasses/contacts = Once I bought an expensive pair of sunglasses and lost them within 30 minutes. TRUE STORY.

79. Danced in the rain = Of course! It would suck to not dance in the rain occasionally. But I also suck at dancing so it’s more like “wiggle around awkwardly in the rain”.

80. Broken someone’s heart = Yes. My exes all had a habit of not realizing that I’d been unhappy and trying to talk to them and fix things for months until I broke up with them and broke their hearts.

81. Had your own heart broken = No. I actually feel sort of guilty about this. Who the fuck feels guilty for not having had their heart broken? I must be seriously fucked up.

82. Won a bet = I actually don’t know if I’ve done this.

83. Turned someone down = No, actually. Maybe this explains the quality of my previous relationships.

84. Cried when someone died = Fucking…?! YES. What am I supposed to do, throw a kegger?

85. Fallen for a friend = Developed crushes on friends, but never actually fallen for one. Huh. Weird. I never even thought about this.

 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself = Hesitantly. I’m not always completely sure that I exist.

87. Miracles = Yes, but I don’t think they are necessarily good. I think something can be miraculous and bad.

88. Love at first sight = Not exactly. I believe there can be some sort of deep recognition immediately, but it still takes a while to identify what you’re recognizing as the potential for love.

89. Heaven = I believe in reincarnation, and I don’t believe that people get sorted according to how good they were. I believe that after you die, you go to some sort of afterlife and you take some time there while thinking over your life and figuring out what you learned and want to work on in your next one. You’re reborn when you’re ready.

90. Santa Claus = I know he’s real because he rides his lawnmower down my street every day in the summer.

91. Kiss on the first date = Okay, all the rest of these are along the lines of “do I believe these things exist”. I definitely believe kisses on the first date exist. They happen. It doesn’t matter whether you believe in them or not. Kinda like evolution.

92. Angels = “Spirits” are probably more accurate for me because angels are rather exclusively Christian. And possibly other religions that are not mine. I don’t know.

 

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY!

93. Done something terribly embarrassing = Probably by most people’s standards, but I think being embarrassed is a waste of time.

94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at one time = No. Though I did have a period where I thought I was polyamorous. It turned out I was actually just unhappy.

95. Did you sing today = No, jaw hurts too much.

96. Ever cheated on somebody = There must be some way that I learned that you can continue to feel like shit about having done something almost four years after it happened and still not have regrets.

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go = I wouldn’t. I guarantee I would fuck shit up. Unless you’re a Time Lord, time travel is probably a bad idea.

98. Do you like apples = As long as they’re not red delicious.

99. Are you afraid of falling in love = This is a weird question for someone who is already in love. I’m not afraid of being in love. Falling in love? Not afraid, but I’d rather it didn’t have to happen to me again in this life.

100. Will you publish as 100 Truths? = No, I’ll publish it as “100 Reasons I Shouldn’t Fill Out Stupid Memes”.

END.

So there you have it. A view into my fragile, bitchy psyche. What’s the most ridiculous question you’ve ever been asked?

Free tickets? You sick fuck.

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If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen this tweet yesterday:

A reasonable initial reaction.

Mike sent me a text and then, knowing that I tend to forget my phone exists, came on Google Talk via his phone to be like “Hey! Check your phone!” And what you see above is true. He was given free tickets to the Red Sox game. I was excited. I’d been to two games before, and they’d won both (in fact, I don’t think I’ve yet seen the bottom of the 9th happen), and both had been super fun. I dance like an idiot when the music comes on.

Clearly, the prospect of going to another one had me excited. I’m not generally a huge Sox fan (or sports fan at all, for that matter). I like to see my home state’s team win, but I don’t have much invested in it and I’m not bothered by Yankees fans, so don’t worry. This isn’t a “woo yeah Sox!” post.

I immediately started thinking up what I should wear.  Obviously, I should wear my Sox hat (which I only own because Mike gets the fitted ones but when he ordered tickets last year they sent him a free hat so he gave it to me). Jeans, probably, because it was going to get late and might cool down quite a bit as Boston nights tend to do. A little bit of makeup. I mean, one of Mike’s coworkers also got tickets and was bringing his fiancee, so it’d be sort of like a double date. Fun! Before actually deciding on an outfit, I looked at the fucking weather. The fucking weather proclaimed that: “100°?! ITS FUCKING HOT”. I was startled. I checked Boston and found the exact same thing.

At this point, I ventured outside of our air-conditioned bedroom for the first time. I struggled to breathe. Gasping for air, I dragged myself to the shower and put it on cold. Mike can attest to the fact that this is a BIG DEAL–I love me some hot showers. When I was done, I tore through my dresser trying to find something appropriate to wear. I eventually settled on my comfy “It’s hot out and I don’t care” dress. It’s made out of material similar to those sweatshirts that people wear in early fall, those ones that don’t keep you very warm. I threw out the idea of makeup, because that shit would run down my face after five minutes of being outside.

I covered myself in spray-on “cooling mist” sunscreen, figuring that we’d be in the sun for at least a while once the game started, not realizing that our awesome seats were under another set of seats and we’d be shaded. The sunscreen turned out to be a HUGE fucking mistake. Walking from our apartment to the car caused me to sweat enough that it was dripping into my eyes, and when I looked in a mirror my face looked like I’d been sobbing, so much did that sunscreen hurt.

We were a little late to the game, showing up as Jacoby Ellsbury hit a home run in the 3rd inning. By the time we went to find food, my entire dress was damp and sticking to me. The sunscreen hadn’t stopped dripping into my eyes, which were not adjusting to the giant lights that illuminate the stadium being just in my peripheral vision. And when it’s 100°, the last place you want to be is in a huge fucking crowd of people. The picture that some lady took that I can now buy for $19.99 makes me look like I applied lipstick as blush and bathed in shimmer powder. I’m not a Twilight fan, so this is a bad thing.

There were a few high points of the night. The girl behind me had one of those spray-bottle-fan-things that would occasionally send brief gusts of cool air my way, or even better, a spritz of water. I seriously considered stealing from a child a couple times. Instead, I folded up my program and used it to fan myself. When the muscles that required me to fan myself got tired, I got to play “good girlfriend” for a little while and fan Mike, because it used completely different muscles. It was an exciting game.

But still. Who the hell says “Oh shit, I have these tickets to this game that I don’t want to go to because it’s so hot I will die. What should I do?” and gives them to unsuspecting fans with no warning? I mean. Who does that? Probably a nice, generous person who knew we’d have a good time anyway, but come on. I maintain that it takes a sick mind to do something like that to someone.

And Mike had to go to work really early, so I couldn’t even make us all mojitos when we got back.

Drinking and Blogging. How could this POSSIBLY go wrong?

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You may be surprised to see me say this, but I’m being completely honest. This is my first drunk post. I’m not really that big a drinker. I’m in terrible drinking shape. But I just got an email that started off all “this is long, so grab a drink and relax and read it” and I said, y’know, that’s an awesome idea. And black tea and elderflower-flavored vodka (Absolut Boston) with limeade can’t possibly go wrong. Actually, limeade can’t ever go wrong, but that’s a different story.

So this email I got was about how to start being a wedding planner. And if you’re reading this and not married, chances are, you totally want me to plan your wedding. “But Rachael, I thought you were a creative writing student!” Yeah. I am. And where has that gotten me? Well…okay, it’s sort of gotten me a blog that it seems has a decent number of readers now (hi, new people! Thanks for coming!) and might increase and I haven’t written off the option of becoming the next Bloggess. I also haven’t written off the option of becoming the next Danielle Corsetto (and if you don’t read Girls with Slingshots, go there right now and read the whole archives because then you might catch up in time for the wrap-up of the current storyline which seems to be about the disappearance of all batteries, causing sex toys to be completely useless and women around the world to think it’s the apocalypse. TRUE STORY). I also haven’t written off the option of becoming Neil Gaiman but slightly less successful because I want to actually write and not be flying around to give talks and when I fed Amanda Palmer she definitely told me that I don’t want to be her husband. (P.S. I think it’s totally fucking awesome that my favorite singer and my favorite writer got married.)

Anyway, so the point here. I swear there is one. I have to do an internship before I graduate, and I’ve failed miserably at actually looking for one up until now, and now I’m filling out the application for one and it asks: What are your long-term career goals?

How can I even answer that? I want everything. But not in the Ariel sense, because I hear she’s totally a hipster these days, and once I tried to categorize my professors from last semester into celebrity personality-alikes (because I can’t think of a word) and I ended up with Professor Wil Wheaton, Professor Abby Sciuto-I-Know-She’s-Just-A-Character (But substitute literature for science) and Professor “Oh he’s pretty underground you probably haven’t heard of him”. No lie. That’s not the point, though. The point is that I have no fucking clue what my ultimate goals are.

I mean, I’m going to have to talk to people about this. And while I make up something that sounds good (I think I’ll go with Neil Gaiman there), it’s forcing me to think about it for myself. Even worse, it’s forcing me to acknowledge that I. don’t. know.

And that’s okay. Right? How many people out there are happily doing exactly what they wanted to be happily doing when they were 23? How many people really went into a field that relates to their degree? I don’t fucking know, but I’m pretty sure there aren’t a lot of them. Maybe like 30%?

So when I graduate, I’ll probably try the wedding planning thing. I’ll probably try everything on and be a fucking Barbie except reasonably proportioned and without an eating disorder and come out of it with enough things that I can be a really good old person when the time comes, with opinions on how just about everything should be done and a strong conviction that kids these days fucking suck. And that’s what I’ll say.

 

In the meantime, I need to go to sleep. And get famous. You guys make me famous and I won’t have to worry about any of this shit. (You can’t tell, but I’m stressing the fuck out right now. Thank god for Booze and Ice Cream. Yes, they deserve capital letters. [I wouldn’t even know what to do with being famous. Shit. That plan isn’t as solid as I thought.])

Horrible Medical Advice of the Week: The Bible’s Got Your Answers

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You may have noticed that I sorta suck at keeping up a weekly schedule, but I’m going to keep putting the “of the week” in there so I’ll at least continue to try. It’s the thought that counts, right?

This week, we need look no further than the Bible.

Mark 9:43: And if your hand offends you, cut it off.

(It is important to note that the site I found this on said “Mar” and not “Mark” and I did some extra research in order to find out what the hell “Mar” meant. Because I care. About you guys, that is.)

So the real question is: Should we stop at hands? And the answer, I feel, is “no”.* Taking the Bible too literally has gotten us into all kinds of messes before. I mean, look at the Spanish Inquisition. Do you want to start the next Spanish Inquisition? Didn’t think so.

I guess we could look at the definition of “offends” here. The most obvious would be phantom hand syndrome–when you cut the corpus callosum, which is occasionally used as a last-resort treatment for seizures, you’ll lose conscious control over one side of your body. And it’ll do whatever the fuck it wants. So it might actually offend you in the way you’re used to the word. Maybe you’ll be sitting there talking to someone and your hand will flip you off. Or it could be like in that House episode where the dude punches his girlfriend.

But there’s a second definition of “offend” which most people aren’t aware of and this passage in the Bible probably wants you to be aware of.

“To be displeasing or disagreeable to; to vex, annoy, displease or anger; (now esp.) to excite a feeling of personal upset, resentment, annoyance, or disgust in”

And that’s straight from the OED.

So now, if we’re not taking the Bible too seriously: If [some body part] [vexes/annoys/displeases/angers] you, cut it off.

Think of how many problems this could solve:
Bruised leg? CHOP. Not bruised anymore!
Carpal tunnel syndrome? CHOP. You won’t be getting that again!
Performance anxiety keeping you down? CHOP. Imagine how ballsy you’ll look!
Migraines? CHOP. Now you’re migraine-free AND can do a kickass Marie Antoinette impression!

Obviously, there will be times when this isn’t quite so easy. Stomach ulcer? You’ll have to go get surgery to have them cut your stomach out, and then you might have some issues with doctors thinking that’s a bad idea. You could probably say you want it done AMA, but then you’d have to fill out paperwork. And your insurance wouldn’t cover it. Oh, and they have the right to refuse to do it, anyway.

So, the next time you have a problem with something that isn’t an internal organ, you’ll know what to do. Don’t thank me. Thank the Bible.

 

Dr. Boyfriend Says: Please don’t cut off your extremities. This is horrible medical advice. Don’t listen to Rachael. She’s never even read the Bible.

*Note to Grammar Nerds who are annoyed at the placement of this period: That’s how David Crystal does it, so nyah.

Things That Are Not Rape

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Dear Douchebags of the World,

I understand that you’re upset about the Netflix price increase. I don’t really understand why, because I’m pretty sure you can still order and stream unlimited shows and DVDs for the pretty damn small amount of money you pay if you take into consideration how much it would cost for you to buy all those things or rent them from Blockbuster, but I get that you are upset.

See, Buzzfeed was kind enough to show me just how upset you are. Don’t you love how being an asshole on Twitter once makes you an asshole everywhere forever?

I feel the need to point out a few specific tweets from Buzzfeed’s list, just so anyone reading this can get an idea of how people are reacting:

@TravisTeachMe: Dear Netflix, I got your email. We trusted you and now you are trying to rape us.

@ctjay14: Dear Netflix, the next time you decide to rape your customers could you at least use KY first?

@Ugo_Lord: Dear Netflix, I get raped when I pay for gas, raped when I buy a plane ticket, & now you want to rape me too. Enough already. #Netflix

Because of both these responses and other things I have heard people say, I feel it has become necessary to point a few things out.

THINGS THAT ARE NOT RAPE:

  • A small price increase in a service that hasn’t had a price increase since it started operating in 1997 but has drastically expanded the scope of what they do
  • Gas prices
  • Textbook prices
  • That test you didn’t study for and failed
  • Organic Chemistry
  • Rebecca Black’s “Friday”
  • Heavy courseloads in college
  • Your Thesis committee
  • New Google features that you don’t know how to use
  • Spam in your inbox
  • Your alarm clock
  • Traffic
  • Your mother-in-law’s cooking
  • The distance you have to travel to get to the nearest Starbucks
  • The lack of express check-outs at your local Target
  • Ads on your favorite website
  • A webcomic creator changing their update schedule/going on hiatus/having a guest week
  • A broken air conditioner

THINGS THAT ARE RAPE:

  • Another person or group of people engaging you in sexual activity despite your lack of consent

Yeah. That’s it.

So, Douchebags of the World, next time you find something frustrating, upsetting, or mildly inconvenient, remember this list before you open your fucking mouth.

Sincerely,
Rachael

P.S. Thankfully, some people have managed to retain a bit of common sense through this debacle:

@halfdaytoday: When I read about Netflix’s $5 price increase, I was so shocked I spit my $6 latte out over the $400 iPhone I pay $90 a month for.

What do you think, guys? Did I miss anything important?

The Stages of Moving

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Moving, like grief, evokes a specific set of emotions among those who are doing it. I would know. I’ve moved five times within the last three years. I’m familiar with the process, and it’s exactly the same every time. So if you’re thinking of moving anytime soon, remember this. Know what you’re up against. It’s the only way to come out on top.

1. Denial
There are a few key signals that let you know that you’re going through the “denial” stage of moving. You’ve looked at places. You’ve signed a lease or taken out a mortgage. You have a date that you’ll be moving on. But following all that, you’ll notice yourself thinking dangerous thoughts that might clue you in as to how not ready you are mentally. “Oh, I don’t have to pack yet. Moving day isn’t for a while.” This works when moving day is two months away, but you’ll notice the feeling that you don’t actually have to pack your stuff doesn’t go away when you get to the point that you really should have started packing your stuff. “I’ll organize my room. That way, when I pack, I’ll know exactly where everything is so my boxes can be nice and neat.” Good luck spending the next two months organizing your room. “Ooh, getting a lease that gives me overlap is great! I’m going to go to the new place and paint. I can pack later.” With few exceptions, you can paint once you’re there. Any of these thoughts, or thoughts like this, express one sentiment that you might not even be conscious of: This isn’t actually happening. Or at least, it’s not happening any time soon. You’ll deny the time you have left and, even worse–you’ll deny the fact that you haven’t done shit yet.

2. Anger
Eventually you realize you’ve been in denial. Usually about two days before moving day. Then you’ll start assembling your boxes and look around you and think: “Shit. When did I get so much SHIT.” You’ll notice how angry you are at every single one of your possessions. “T-shirt. I don’t even fucking wear you. What are you DOING in my HOUSE?” or “Fuck you, Nightstand. DON’T fit into the moving truck. See if I give a fuck.” You’ll also notice that you’re directing anger at yourself. “Rachael, you stupid bitch, you should fucking know by now. You’ve moved enough times. It takes more than two days to pack all your belongings. Screw you.” This anger may seem irrational, but it’ll get you moving–and chances are, you’ll end up with a nice bonfire of shit you’re angry at, too.

3. Bargaining
“Oh please just get in a box stuff just fit in the damn box please I’ll do anything I will even tape the box shut so it’s slightly open on top if you will just fit.” Sound familiar? You’ve moved recently, then. “Okay, bedroom, I know I organized you and everything but right now I need you work with me here. Please just pack yourself up. I will trade ‘organization’ for ‘speed.’ I don’t really care that much about being organized, anyway. Just work.” This one’s a little more dangerous, because soon you might find yourself putting things in boxes that don’t belong together at all. Make sure to keep your sex toys out of any boxes that might be opened immediately–like the one with the deodorant that you’ll want to put on as soon as you realize how much packing up the van has made you smell.

4. Depression
In some great miracle, you’ve managed to pack up all your belongings in an increasingly disorganized fashion. You’ve put it all into a moving truck. You even got the truck to your new place. With some help from friends or family, you got all the boxes and furniture into the appropriate room, or at least into your new home. At this point, you’ll look around, completely exhausted from a few days of heavy lifting and freaking the fuck out over how you’re going to get stuff to your new place, and burst into tears. Because you’re not done yet. You’ll look around your awesome new place and say, “No. No, don’t. I can’t. This…this has to be over. What did I do wrong? I’m so sorry. I’m…*sob* just not sure where to even put this.” It might also come with a few realizations about your place. “These cabinets. They’re so nifty! I love them!” will turn into “What the fuck can I even put here? They’re so tiny.” You’ll set up your bed, put some sheets on it, and refuse to do anything for days. You’ll feel apathetic and worthless. Don’t worry, though. It’s just a part of the process.

5. Acceptance
Acceptance happens approximately a month after you’ve moved. You’ve gone through the depression stage and forced yourself to set up a few rooms. Your kitchen is at least a little organized. The cable guy came so you have TV and internet. But at some point, you’re going to look at your place and think: “We’ve been here for two months. These boxes are NEVER getting unpacked.” And, for now, you’re completely okay with that. You’ll stash them in a closet or a basement, forget that you own them, wonder why you bothered moving stuff that you clearly don’t care enough about to unpack, and move on. And next time you move, those boxes will come with you. “Oh, I was so smart. This made so much less work for me!” you’ll think, not even considering the fact that in the years you’ve lived in your place, you didn’t look at the items once.

 

I’m still slightly convinced that we’ll get the rest of the boxes unpacked and set up. I just have to finish painting. It won’t take long. I’m not in denial. I haven’t started a whole new cycle. I swear. I just want a red kitchen.