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I don’t WANT a damn clock!

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Okay, so this may be a little uncalled for as I am not married or even engaged yet, but someone needs to say something.

(That “yet” there makes me look awfully optimistic, huh? I’ll be optimistic about this. I promise I’ll make it up to you somehow.)

If you’re here and you don’t read The Bloggess, you’re probably going to be at least a little confused, but all you really need to know is that she recently declared that giant metal chickens are the traditional 15th wedding anniversary gift. I can’t argue with her there. I would love a giant metal chicken.

Someone awesome went on Wikipedia to change their list of traditional gifts, and Jenny-the-Bloggess managed to get a screencap and post it before the Gods of Wikipedia changed it back to what they think it’s supposed to be. (Does anyone else feel like Wikipedia is the first step toward living in The Matrix?)

From Jenny-the-Bloggess's Flickr pool, despite the fact that Flickr has apparently done everything in their power to make it really fucking hard for me to grab the image URL.

I looked at this and was happy that someone was awesome enough to change it, but then I got curious. I mean, I’ve heard of traditional anniversary gifts, but I didn’t really know what any of them were. I’d heard it used to be paper for the first anniversary, and I always thought, well, paper is a fucking shitty present, so I’m glad they changed that one.

To a CLOCK? Okay. See, the thing with paper is that while it makes a shitty present, it will get used. I will write things down on it. I will make grocery lists or draw pictures or write stories or make paper airplanes or those fortune teller things. Most paper products? Same thing. Shitty present, but hey, it’s useful. It’s handy to have around. I’m not sure what form the paper is was supposed to be in, but whatever it was, I imagine people got good use out of it.

Clocks, though. See, I use clocks, too. I have one on my cell phone, which is usually charged and goes mostly everywhere with me, so I can always check the time. There is also one on the microwave, and on the stove, and Mike has an alarm clock, and I have an iHome which shows the time. The DVR is also kind enough to display the time, so I know when a show that I’ll watch eventually will start recording. I use clocks. It can be helpful to know what time it is. The thing is.

The thing is.

I’m surrounded by clocks. I don’t need another one. Nobody needs another one. I don’t need a watch because I can check my phone, or the GPS that lives in my purse, or the iPod that lives in my purse. I have three options in a bag that I carry everywhere with me alone. And if all three are out of batteries, I can look at the wall of whatever social institution I’m in, or look at the clock in my car, or safely assume that I’ll soon drive by one of those places that has a big glowing clock LED display outside. I can ask a fucking stranger what time it is. And then, in my home, there isn’t a single room that doesn’t have a glowing clock display that keeps me from forgetting what time it is. I don’t even have to check. It’s just there, seared into my brain. Which leads me to the important thing here.

The only reason I can think of to buy a clock is for ornamental purposes. Decoration. There are plenty of awesome decorative clocks out there.

You could get a gorgeous oversized Howard Miller wall clock, which probably costs an absurd amount of money.

You could get a ThinkGeek Science clock. It also comes in Math.

You could even get a novelty Marmite clock from Etsy!

You might be wondering what my point is here, and I promise I have one.

My point is that, when it comes to clocks, you have two options: practical ones you already have, or decorative ones that you don’t. And nobody wants a new practical alarm clock for an anniversary.

And, women out there: are you really okay with letting your husband make any single decoration decision that does not stay entirely within his ManCave all on his own, and have it be a gift to you?

No?

I didn’t think so. Maybe it’d be a present to him. “Honey, for our anniversary, I’m going to let you buy whatever hideous clock you think is funny and hang it in our living room where all our guests will notice that it doesn’t match the decor at all.”

I mean, look at that list. Who the hell made it up? Did someone really decide that electrical appliances are a good anniversary gift? Maybe from the wife, but most of the list seems to indicate that these are gifts from husband to wife. And if this list is something that you really need to follow, the only anniversaries I’m really looking forward to are 7 and, of course, 15.

Fuck yeah, #7.

P.S. Via links that I tried to put in the captions aren’t working for some reason, but if you click any picture it’ll take you to where I found it and, in most cases, where you can buy it.

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About Rachael

Hi. I'm Rachael. I realized one day that, even though I read a lot of books, I often have a hard time remembering them later on. I guess that happens when there's so much to try to remember! So I started The 50 Book Project, with the intention to read and blog about 50 new (to me) books in 2014. I read a lot of fantasy, but I'm trying to branch out and experience new stuff. Any questions? Suggestions? Let me know! Comment, or email me at dearohrachael@gmail.com.

11 responses »

  1. Don’t worry, there’s a new updated contemporary list on the works. It has cool stuff like iTunes gift cards and rechargeable batteries.

    Reply
    • If they update it (which they SHOULD), they should totally have the Old Spice guy do it. “Two tickets to that thing you love” would be an excellent addition to the list.

      Reply
  2. I’m mostly worried about #19. Unless, of course, it’s a big bronze chicken.

    Reply
    • No. You get a 3rd Place medal for your 19th anniversary. “I love you, honey! And look, congratulations! You’re the third best wife I’ve ever had.”

      Reply
  3. What about the fact that the year after #10 (DIAMONDS, FUCK YEAH) we have “fashion jewelry/accessories”? So it’s like, “Hey, honey, you know those 2 carat earrings you got last year? Well SUCK ON THIS– $5 GIFT CARD TO CLAIRE’S, BITCH.”

    Reply
    • Oh my god. Now I’m starting to think that people should get whatever they really want to get their spouse for their anniversary, along with some small thing that is a total mockery of what this list intends. 8th? “Here, I got you a doily.”

      Reply
  4. I’ve been married almost 17 years and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a gift that matches this list. I’m not sorry about that.

    Reply
  5. By clock they mean biological clock. Your mom (or mother in law) actually wrote that hoping for grandkids.

    Reply
    • Y’know, that didn’t even occur to me! I’ll probably tell them that while I appreciate their sentiment, my IUD does not, and we talked and decided that maybe the “clock” would be better loved as a second or third anniversary gift.

      You’re totally right. I wonder which of them it was.

      Reply

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