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Don’t sleep with me.

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I mean it. I’m dangerous. You probably are, too. In fact, it baffles me that we as a society seem to think that sharing a bed is necessary. (Wait, you thought I was talking about something else? You’re a pervert.)

You see, when we’re sleeping, we’re not good at making decisions and seeing the affects they have. Because, you know, we’re not conscious. And even if we wake up for a moment, we’re still sleep-addled enough to fuck everything up. I’m going to give you a few examples from my own life to illustrate just how stupid it is that we share beds with anyone ever.

About 4ish years ago, I went to a convention with a friend whom I am going to call “Twyla” because I was playing around with Random Name Generator and apparently that’s a name. (Note: do not name your children Twyla.) So Twyla and I, being poor college students who would much rather spend our money on corsets (that was me) and plushies (I don’t actually remember what she bought) than a hotel, we stayed with some of her family who lived nearby. They had a spare room with a bed, which was either double- or queen-sized. Used to our dorm beds, this larger bed seemed like a wonderful extravagance, even considering the fact that we’d be sharing it.

So, come bedtime, Twyla and I lay ourselves down on our respective sides of the bed, ready for a night of sleep that isn’t on a dorm bed. Little did she know, sleeping me is a bitchy 3 year old. You’ve heard stories about people who take all the blankets, right? Maybe you are one of them, or you share a bed with one of them, or one of your friends complains about it. Well. Twyla woke up with only a thin sheet covering her. Most of the time, people don’t realize that they’re stealing the blankets, but I could clearly remember a moment of interruption during my sleep when I woke up, glanced at her, and thought: “She is using my blankets! These blankets are MINE! Why would she use MY blankets? BITCH.” I proceeded to tear them from her, which actually took quite a bit of effort because she sensed what was going on and was clinging to them. If this isn’t assault-y enough for you, know this: it was cold. Poor Twyla.

Fast forward a little. (Not too much. Stop. Rewind a bit. Okay, here. Cool.) I was dating the guy I dated before Mike. His name was Mike. (I’m not kidding. I don’t know very many guys who aren’t named Mike.) Neither of us had anything bigger than a twin bed, but that was okay, because we were totally okay with sharing a twin bed. We managed to find ways to handle it. I could sleep against the wall, and I’d be more likely to nestle into the wall than try to take up all the space on the bed myself, and it worked perfectly. Until, that is, I got a bigger bed. It resulted in the following conversation:

Past-Tense-Mike: Yay, I won’t wake up on the floor anymore!
Me: Uhh. What?
PTM: It’s cool, I usually just get back in bed.
Me: You fall out of bed?
PTM: No, you push me out of bed!
Me: I do NOT push you out of bed.
PTM: You do! I wake up and get back in bed.
Me: WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING?
PTM: It wasn’t a big deal or anything. I just get back in bed.

So, even when your intentions are pure,  you’re probably pushing someone out of bed. I can only hope that you’re not on the top bunk.

Okay, now fast forward more, to a few months ago. I’m with Mike now. The right one. Have been for a while. We’re good at this. We are old hands at sharing our sleeping space with each other. I am asleep when suddenly Mike is poking and shaking me.

Mike: Rachael?
Me: Mmmmf.
Mike: Rachael can I have my pillow back?
Me: Mmmwhaa?
Mike: Can I have my pillow?
Me: *looks down* OH MY GOD I HAVE YOUR PILLOW.
Mike: Can I have it back?
Me: Where is mine?
Mike: I don’t know. You took mine.
Me: I’M SORRY HOW LONG HAVE I HAD IT?!
Mike: It’s okay. Look, yours is on the floor.
Me: HOW LONG HAVE I HAD YOUR PILLOW.
Mike: Don’t worry about it.
Me: Mike how long have I had it I feel really bad. (Note: at this point, I am almost crying.)
Mike: Only a few minutes.

Apparently, I had thrown my pillow off the bed (I do this regularly) and moved over to share his. He lifted his head up, and BAM. I ninja’d that shit right out from under him. In my fucking sleep.

Mike gets me back, though. Every once in a while, he’ll roll over and fling his arm out so it thumps down on me and pushes all the air out of my lungs. This morning, I woke up to an attempt at sleep-cuddling that involved fists and assault with a deadly…uh…stuffed tiger. I love you, Mike.

Sammy will fuck you up.

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About Rachael

Hi. I'm Rachael. I realized one day that, even though I read a lot of books, I often have a hard time remembering them later on. I guess that happens when there's so much to try to remember! So I started The 50 Book Project, with the intention to read and blog about 50 new (to me) books in 2014. I read a lot of fantasy, but I'm trying to branch out and experience new stuff. Any questions? Suggestions? Let me know! Comment, or email me at dearohrachael@gmail.com.

30 responses »

  1. Hahaha… Sometimes I think that me and Hubs fight more when we’re sleeping than we EVER have awake… especially if we’re doped up on melatonin

    Reply
    • Oh man, melatonin stopped working for me so I am super jealous. I wonder if sleeping pills in general have anything to do with it, though.

      Reply
  2. This cracked me up! You sound like my sister – she used to kick me out of the bed when we were little too.

    And I love the tiger.

    Reply
    • I haven’t kicked anyone out of the bed since him. Mike and I (that is, this one) did the twin bed thing for a while and, to my knowledge, he’s never woken up on the floor. I’d be really upset if I found out he has and never told me. And I can’t ask because he’s sleeping because apparently his bodily clock is in Taipei and not Seoul. (Or maybe Bangkok. I’ll find out when he wakes up.)

      Reply
  3. I HAD A TIGER NAMED SAM WHEN I WAS LITTLE!!! Short for Samson, of course, because he was totally badass. In a fluffy, adorable way.

    Also, this post had me cracking up.

    Reply
    • Sam is named after both Samwise Gamgee and Samuel Vimes (a Terry Pratchett character), so his name is just Sam. And he’s a total badass because of his namesakes. We should start a club.

      Reply
  4. My hubby knows that it is in his complete and total best interest to stay the fuck away from me when I am sleeping. I, like you, am also dangerous. This is why King beds were invented. Although sometimes he will sneak attack steal my pillow while sleeping. Then, it is ON, bitches! I don’t care if you are unconscious, hands off my shit. I used to keep my toenails long, just so I could use them as weapons during nighty night time. True story.

    Reply
    • I’m not sure I could justify getting a King bed given that I am not the King of anything. Then again, I’m not really the Queen of anything, either.

      And toenails? Such an awesome idea. I wonder if they make toenail-sharpeners. I’m glad Mike actually moves if I just push him, though.

      Reply
  5. Mike (doctor boyfriend)

    *sleepflail*

    Sorry I punch you in your sleep…I’m just trying to give you a hug. It’s not my fault that sleeping desroys what little fine motor coordination I have!

    Reply
    • See, it’s okay, because I know you’re just trying to hug me, and it’s totally adorable that you try to hug me in your sleep. Plus, the bludgeoning-with-Sammy was hilarious.

      Reply
  6. I’m with Kim, my comment was going to be ha ha ha ha! Very funny!

    Reply
  7. I’m horrible to sleep with have been my whole life. My cousin has a favorite story of a sleepover we had when we were like 8 or 9 we were sharing her twin size bed her head at one end mine at another and she woke up because I was strangling her ankle. No lie I was trying to wring the life out of her poor foot. There are a million others but 20 some odd years later that’s the one she will still bust out with when were a little tipsy. Remember the night….. it’s all good now though I have 2 kids that are giving me all kinds of payback.

    Reply
    • HAH! I’m remembering the evil childish thing I seemed to think I was when I was stealing all my friend’s blankets, and picturing that same evil childish thing being an actual small child strangling an ankle. “You’re in my bed? Well fuck you, I’m gonna squeeze your foot. Bitch.”

      Reply
  8. I don’t know who has it worse… My boyfriend recently shifted so that he was lying horizontal on the bed and then proceeded to drop kick me in the stomach with his feet. I think he might’ve been anticipating an accidental pregnancy and subconsciously trying to weasel his way out of paying for an abortion?

    But on the other side of the coin… As I child, my grandparents took me on a trip to Disney World and in response I kicked my poor grandmother who was lucky enough to share a bed with the demon child and I kicked her legs and feet ALL night. And, yup, she has MS (Multiple Sclerosis) – a debilitating disorder in her appendages. Go me.

    Reply
    • She probably only took you to Disneyworld to get back at your parents for something anyway, so think of it as getting vengeance on your parents’ behalf.

      I mean, adults really only use children to play mindgames with each other, right?

      Reply
  9. I haven’t been dangerous in bed in a long time. Maybe its because I am either too dead to move or my boyfriend holds me like a stuffed toy complete with holding my legs down and all.. At some point during the night I have to move and then if my back is to him he thinks I am game to hold like a doll one arm around my middle and a leg thrown over my legs

    Reply
    • Sometimes Mike tries to hug me in his sleep and instead of bludgeoning me, he just squeezes tighter and tighter and tighter until I go from “Yay, hugs!” to “OHGODICAN’TBREATHE.” It usually takes a while to pry him off. Like those things on boats. I wonder if leaving him be would help us both?

      Reply
  10. Once I woke up with my wife’s head in the crook of my arm, on my chest, and I was pumping my arm up and down because I’d been dreaming there was a snake on it, and, ahem, accidentally wound up choking her a bit.

    She lived, but that’s some kind of an allegory, don’t you think?

    Reply
  11. This is marvellous! Rachael, you actually seem quite tame compared to my husband. He used to do martial arts, and I would actually wake up being attacked by him in his sleep – flying jump kick to back (wham!), elbow to cheek bone (wham!), head butt to temple (wham!). I used to also wake up to see our cat flying off the bed, as the husband would work his foot underneath his sleeping form and then kick as hard as he could. The cat always came back. After he gave up martial arts (thank god), and got a bit older, a completely different but filthy habit crept in. I sleep in the foetal position, and when I am facing towards him (*note to self – never a good idea) he used to snuggle up in a kind of spoon position. Half awake, i’d think this was cute, until IT happened. He’d snuggle himself in, then fart on me!!!!!!

    I believe that my snoring and stealing his covers is not sufficient payback.

    Reply
    • Generally if Mike spoons me before we go to bed, I’ll tell him, “Sorry if I fart on your penis.” Just because, I mean, it’s natural. People fart in their sleep. I can’t help it if he chooses to place himself like that!

      Reply
    • You’re the first person who was ever filtered (I assume improperly) as spam on my blog. Actually, that’s a total lie because sometimes Mike leaves comments with a million links that WordPress assumes is a spambot, but you’re the first person I don’t know and that’s important. Because you don’t seem to be spam. You seem to be someone who understands the importance of not sleeping with me, which is awesome!

      Anyway, I should make you a prize or something. Don’t be surprised if your prize is that I did laundry or assembled an Ikea bookcase. Thanks for visiting (and not being spam [I hope]).

      Reply
  12. I’m a new reader. Between your Bible’s medical advice, what is NOT rape, and this post (which had me laughing so hard I couldn’t breath), I can’t wait to read more of you. I’m Jaclyn, good to meet you, Rachel 🙂

    Reply
  13. Pingback: This Week in Bitchery July 22, 2011 | The Bitch Blog

  14. i do this all minus the pillow stealing (i dont sleep with a pillow, so my cuddling subjects have been lucky in that respect i think) and it just occurred to me that I think i actually just do it when i pass out really drunk

    Reply
  15. hey Racheal, i was wondering if you still had that stuffed tiger? i had the same one a couple years ago but was lost in a flood, would you sell it i will pay for shipping and all honestly i dont care of the condition of it as it looks a lil bad in the pic but that 100% fine with me!!! please email me at livetosnowmobile@gmail.com, thanks, Chris!

    Reply

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