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Horrible Medical Advice of the Week: The Bible’s Got Your Answers

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You may have noticed that I sorta suck at keeping up a weekly schedule, but I’m going to keep putting the “of the week” in there so I’ll at least continue to try. It’s the thought that counts, right?

This week, we need look no further than the Bible.

Mark 9:43: And if your hand offends you, cut it off.

(It is important to note that the site I found this on said “Mar” and not “Mark” and I did some extra research in order to find out what the hell “Mar” meant. Because I care. About you guys, that is.)

So the real question is: Should we stop at hands? And the answer, I feel, is “no”.* Taking the Bible too literally has gotten us into all kinds of messes before. I mean, look at the Spanish Inquisition. Do you want to start the next Spanish Inquisition? Didn’t think so.

I guess we could look at the definition of “offends” here. The most obvious would be phantom hand syndrome–when you cut the corpus callosum, which is occasionally used as a last-resort treatment for seizures, you’ll lose conscious control over one side of your body. And it’ll do whatever the fuck it wants. So it might actually offend you in the way you’re used to the word. Maybe you’ll be sitting there talking to someone and your hand will flip you off. Or it could be like in that House episode where the dude punches his girlfriend.

But there’s a second definition of “offend” which most people aren’t aware of and this passage in the Bible probably wants you to be aware of.

“To be displeasing or disagreeable to; to vex, annoy, displease or anger; (now esp.) to excite a feeling of personal upset, resentment, annoyance, or disgust in”

And that’s straight from the OED.

So now, if we’re not taking the Bible too seriously: If [some body part] [vexes/annoys/displeases/angers] you, cut it off.

Think of how many problems this could solve:
Bruised leg? CHOP. Not bruised anymore!
Carpal tunnel syndrome? CHOP. You won’t be getting that again!
Performance anxiety keeping you down? CHOP. Imagine how ballsy you’ll look!
Migraines? CHOP. Now you’re migraine-free AND can do a kickass Marie Antoinette impression!

Obviously, there will be times when this isn’t quite so easy. Stomach ulcer? You’ll have to go get surgery to have them cut your stomach out, and then you might have some issues with doctors thinking that’s a bad idea. You could probably say you want it done AMA, but then you’d have to fill out paperwork. And your insurance wouldn’t cover it. Oh, and they have the right to refuse to do it, anyway.

So, the next time you have a problem with something that isn’t an internal organ, you’ll know what to do. Don’t thank me. Thank the Bible.

 

Dr. Boyfriend Says: Please don’t cut off your extremities. This is horrible medical advice. Don’t listen to Rachael. She’s never even read the Bible.

*Note to Grammar Nerds who are annoyed at the placement of this period: That’s how David Crystal does it, so nyah.

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About Rachael

Hi. I'm Rachael. I realized one day that, even though I read a lot of books, I often have a hard time remembering them later on. I guess that happens when there's so much to try to remember! So I started The 50 Book Project, with the intention to read and blog about 50 new (to me) books in 2014. I read a lot of fantasy, but I'm trying to branch out and experience new stuff. Any questions? Suggestions? Let me know! Comment, or email me at dearohrachael@gmail.com.

21 responses »

  1. I always thought the Bible was a bit harsh sometimes when it came to giving advice. I mean, an eye for an eye? Who goes first? Wouldn’t the person who has just lost his eye have a hell of a time finding the guy who did it to take his in turn? What would someone do with someone else’s eye? Besides, it’s not all clean like in cartoons. When someone pops out an eye in animation, that mofo just rolls across the floor until it’s picked up and popped back in. When you poke an eye out in real life, there’s messy stringy things and goop.

    So yeah. I’m all for learning lessons and realize sometimes you gotta learn the hard way, but I think the Bible is a litte more all out ass whoppin vs. go sit in the corner for a time out…

    Reply
  2. My sister has eczema. I should tell her to Paul Bunyan that shit.

    Reply
  3. I’m all for the chopping Rach. There is only one good way to solve any problem. Locate thing causing problem & chop it the fuck off. It is guaranteed that thing that was once a problem will be a problem no more. Problem solved.

    I get excema in my thigh/groinal area. How would one manage that?

    Reply
  4. My neck has been hurting like a sonuvabitch for like two years. If I could somehow chop it off and reattach my head to my shoulders, I’d do it right now. My neck offends me like no other.

    Reply
    • It might be possible to just carve out the area that’s bothering you. If you want to go for a full-fledged removal, though, you should become a neurosurgeon first. Apparently there’s a lot of important stuff in your neck that you want to make sure is properly connected afterward.

      Reply
  5. Just to seek clarifiation, if we’re going to support this ‘it offends me so I’ll cut it off’ strategy, can we justify applying it to other people? Because the woman at the end of my road has horrible hands like evil zombie claws, and I’d love an excuse to chop those things off.

    Reply
    • Let’s see. The Bible does pretty clearly say “your” hand up there, so I’m guessing that chopping off other people’s extremities would be a no-no. However, you could probably do something that would cause her hands to offend her for similar end results. Why not get her really drunk and hire a morally ambiguous tattoo artist to tattoo “FUCK” and “Y’ALL” across her knuckles? (He’d have to be morally ambiguous for that “y’all”. And I’m not sure how he’d handle the apostrophe.)

      Reply
  6. I’m pretty sure this is how the vasectomy was invented.

    Reply
    • What would cause a person to be so angry about something that they’d cut it off but still leave it chillin’ in their body? I mean, this isn’t a case of a guy taking a baseball to the sack, going home, and reading the Bible. This is some seriously catty shit. Like, Mean Girls catty. Did the balls steal his boyfriend?

      Y’know what? That’s probably it.

      Reply
      • Actually, I don’t think she had a beef with the nutsack itself, but instead she had a problem directly with sperm. See, sperm had recently knocked up her best friend, twice.Sperm had to pay, but she was smart enough to leave the rest of the equipment intact, in order to keep using it.

        Also, she was a doctor, so it was cool for her to experiment with her boyfriend’s balls, it’s not like she was just fooling around with scissors.

        Legend says the first man to get a vasectomy (her boyfriend) talked with a high pitched voice ever since. She later perfected the surgery on her lover.

        Reply
  7. what about if someone else’s hand offends me? What would Jesus do? ‘Cause I know what I been doin’…

    Reply
    • While I cannot claim to be an authority on what Jesus would do, I can offer a fairly simple solution, as I did to socialassassin: Cause their hands to offend them. Get them wasted, get someone to tattoo horribly offensive stuff on there, and bam. They’ll have no choice but to cut them off.

      (What have you bee doing?)

      Reply
  8. This blog is hella good.

    Randomly yours,

    Roy a.k.a. RADventures

    Reply
    • I think that’s the first “hella” I’ve gotten as a qualifier, and it feels significant. Thank you, Roy, for calling this blog “hella good”.

      Reply
  9. Pingback: Things I Like | tess mackenzie

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