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I don’t need your permission, Wheat Thins.

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Okay, first things first. We’ve got to set this straight. I know you made a bigger cracker than your usual Wheat Thin. In fact, it’s even bigger than the “BIG!” one that you make. But that does not make it a flatbread. Okay. Now.

I bought you, Wheat Thins “Flatbreads,” because I realized that I’d purchased cheeses for various recipes that were unlikely to be used often enough to not get moldy and disgusting in our fridge. Crackers seemed to be a logical solution to this. Lunchtime and I don’t have any food? Cheese and crackers! Too close to dinner for a snack? Have a cracker with some cheese on it to hold you over! Seemed like a good idea.

You, however, have your own ideas.

You're gonna put some tomatoes and cheese on me. With a little bit of some sort of herb. Won't that be nice?

If you don't like that option, maybe you could try some...tomatoes and cheese? Instead? Are you into that? I'll even add some herbs in there.

You just seem totally not okay with the idea of my just putting some cheese on you! You’re offering me these hyper-specific serving suggestions. “Really, crackers?” I said to you, disappointed. “Have we come to a point where people don’t know what to do with you? Can’t make up their own damn minds?” I sighed and put you down, wondering where the hell I could get a tomato to put on my crackers, since clearly I don’t have a cho–

My OWN?!

Wait, so now you’re saying I do have a choice? I can put whatever I want on these crackers? AWESOME! Thanks, Wheat Thins!

But here’s the issue: This box of fucking crackers is giving me permission to put whatever I damn well please on them. I don’t need permission from a box of crackers, Wheat Thins. And if we start listening to boxes of crackers, where, as a society, will we be? I’d rather not listen to my box of crackers. This leaves me with very few alternatives:

  • Eat my crackers with no topping (unacceptable)
  • Don’t enjoy the crackers

Well, okay, really only one option since the first’s unacceptable. So, okay, Wheat Thins. You got me. I won’t enjoy these crackers. I will take them out of the box and cover them with blue cheese and the garlic scape pesto that I got at the farmer’s market and I will fucking hate every minute of it. Maybe I’ll try to fix that hatred by changing it up a little. Maybe I’ll use a little guacamole instead of the pesto, or substitute some sharp cheddar. Or both. And I’ll still hate it, because the whole time I’ll know that if I don’t, I’m doing exactly what the box is telling me to. Even if I switch it up to the super-sharp cheddar or get rid of one of the toppings entirely, I’m still stuck.

I have no  options. Wheat thins, you’ve forced me to hate you before I even open the box. I can barely even type your name. “What Things,” that’s what I’m getting. What things? Wheat thins.

I bet you’d have been delicious, too.



About Rachael

Hi. I'm Rachael. I realized one day that, even though I read a lot of books, I often have a hard time remembering them later on. I guess that happens when there's so much to try to remember! So I started The 50 Book Project, with the intention to read and blog about 50 new (to me) books in 2014. I read a lot of fantasy, but I'm trying to branch out and experience new stuff. Any questions? Suggestions? Let me know! Comment, or email me at

33 responses »

  1. You do realize that everything that comes with a package has suggestions on it? No? Well maybe it’s just me then. Fuck. Why do the inanimate objects keep talking to me? Whhhhyyyy?????

  2. See, I’m lucky because the ‘serving suggestion, is always some stupid combination of goats testicle and asparagus, or caviar and smoked salmon… when I’m more of a peanut butter and jam/jelly kinda girl.

    So I never *would* enjoy them using their stupid instructions.

    Mind you, I’ve seen that same thing a few times, “try our serving suggestions, or you know, don’t”. If they go to the bother of getting some food stylist to make their product look ‘classy’, you’d at least expect them to be a bit more into their serving suggestion.

    “whatever, I mean, as long as you eat it. Please. Just buy some, OK?”

    • It does sort of reek of desperation, huh? I wonder if someone sued them. Like, if they are allergic to tomatoes, then these clearly aren’t viable options and the box isn’t making that clear.

  3. I’m like that with the serving sizes they put on there. Like, really Oreos? 2 fucking cookies? You can just go to hell with your 2 cookies. Also, stop calling me fat. I want to know what anorexic bitch is eating 2 oreos and patting her stomach with satiety thinking “I couldn’t force down another Oreo if I tried!”. My fucking 1 year old can eat more than 2 Oreos.

    • hahaha.. I feel the same way!

      I get very excited when I buy crackers and then think about all the stuff I could put on them.. like tomato sauce, ham and cheese like a little mini pizza….

      then I look at the suggested serving size.. 2 crackers.. and I get pissed cuz how could anyone be full from 2 crackers!

      this reminds me also of the Ritz sandwich crackers that look so appealing when you look at the box and then you open them up and they are these miniature little sandwiches and you’d have to eat the whole box to even feel remotely full… but then you’ve eaten all your calories for the entire day.

      • Those have always tasted like disappointment to me. Then again, I tend to do that whole “eat the entire package” thing with Goldfish, so I get what you’re saying.

    • The serving size on these is two crackers, but only one if you put something on them. One fucking cracker. Granted, they’re rather large, but still.

  4. I don’t like the term ‘cracker’. I much prefer ‘honky.’

  5. Hahahaa.. you really crack me up. Throw some cheese and pepperoni on there and call it a day, that’s what crackers are for. Err… honkies?

    • Through my careful research (i.e. a search on Urban Dictionary), I have learned that “honky” is a derogatory term for a white person. Therefore, we should probably not refer to throwing some cheese and pepperoni on honkies before we eat them.

  6. While we’re at it, packaging companies…stop “Product Enlarged to Show Texture” photography. Your yards upon yards of crackery goodness that’s been pictured on the front of the box is only setting me up for disappointment when I open said box and there are maybe 5 whole crackers still in tact.

    Or, if you insist on keeping photos of these lies, then extend your branding to men. We’re used to the disappointment, so why not give them a break? “It’s so much smaller than I anticipated.” “Well, you know, product enlarged to show texture…not accurate to real life size!”

    • The box says that, but these crackers are the exact same size. I mean, according to my eyeballing and estimating. If they’re enlarged, it’s minimally enough that nobody ever would have cared in the first place, ’cause these are some big fucking crackers.

  7. You are all totally correct. I feel that we should be FDA advisers. There is no way that the committee in charge of this shit has any clue what they should be doing. If nothing else, they should have one additional column on the nutritional facts chart that includes the stats for the ENTIRE PACKAGE of whatever it is. As if I can stop in the middle of a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Or worse, 1/4 the way through, which is what the Nutrition Nazis want me to do. Fuckers.

    Also, Rach, you should really try making your OWN flatbread. It is easier than making Stouffer’s lasagna, with all of its “peel this back half way, rotate this, stir this, let this sit” shit.

    ***********Shameless self-linkage to follow**************
    *****Don’t say I didn’t warn you*****

    • I’ve only ever eaten an entire thing of Ben & Jerry’s once. Probably because I’d get sick if I didn’t stop. Also, your flatbread recipe looks amazing. I love flatbread pizza. Mmm…pizza.

      Actually, now that I’m thinking about pizza, I think I don’t want to know the nutrition facts for an entire package of something.

      • I figure it would either dissuade me from eating ALL THE THINGS or it would help me to understand why I am not a swimsuit model. “You mean I can’t eat an entire pizza and a whole gallon of beer and weigh 110 pounds?!?!??”

        Who am I kidding. It is only the first reason.

  8. See, I totally agree with you about those Wheat Thins. They have been getting more and more uppity in the last few years. What with all their fancy flavors and whatnot. Damn High Falutin Crackers! And then telling us when and how to “enjoy” them. I may have to rethink my wheat thin addiction. I right at this moment have a box of the regular old-school version in my desk for when I am feeling snacky in the afternoons and I can just take a handful and BAM, satified Mutherfucker! But there is that need to just keep eating the entire box that I have to control every time. Maybe I need another addiction? I hear Crack Cocaine is good for dieting. I’m thinking that would kill 2 birds, ya know? Problem solved right there!

  9. Horribly out of place but possibly helpful.

    Voila. Just wandered over from TKB and thought I’d give you a blog to quench your need for a How-To on TP balls.

    Oh that’s funny. I’m going with it.

  10. I always like when the box suggests adding a “thinly slice of pear atop cheese” and then to “sprinkle barley” or some other bullshit herb.

    Really? Herbs and thinly slicing fruit is NOT how I envision snack time. I’m glad it’s not just me.


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