While we probably all agree that our feet are very useful parts of our body, I doubt many of us would go as far as Hazel from the comic Girls with Slingshots does in categorizing them (Oh and by the way, if you don’t read GWS, get on that):
I’d clearly be wrong if I said that nobody felt the same way–I know you foot fetishists are out there, and I’m totally okay with that. Whatever floats your boat. However, I think we can all agree that feet don’t often meet the “favorite” body part list for women or men.
Men, skip this bit:
Why is that? Well, for women, it’s pretty clear. We read fashion magazines, or at least see pictures from them, involving shoes. More specifically, shoe advertisements. And we often see those and think that the shoes we’re looking at are amazing and oh my god I need a pair–whether it’s some fancy-ass designer stiletto or a pair of Tevas. We think we have no expectations. We order the shoe, or we go to the store to look at the shoe or at other shoes, and that option is actually worse because then there are probably pictures of shoes everywhere and–and the thing is–there are foot models. Their feet are perfect. Their feet are a size 6 with no hair anywhere on them, no callouses, even skin tone, airbrushed so you can’t see the veins on them, and just another part of that whole thing where advertising is horrible for women’s self-esteem. When we put on the shoe, it doesn’t look the same. If we have bigger feet or smaller feet, the shoe doesn’t come in our size. Or the shoe doesn’t come in half-sizes and yeah okay we could get away with this size, but we’ll end up with mad blisters that will just mean our feet look crappier later on. If they do come in our size, the style of shoe just might not work with your foot size. My feet are a size 9, which is pretty normal, but I can’t wear pointy toes because an extra three inches extend off my foot and really guys, I don’t even like shoes all that much and that’s ridiculous.
The point here, of course, is that we all want feet that will reliably fit into normal-sized shoes and not look absurd in them.
Okay men, you can come back now:
Why don’t men love their feet? Okay, it’s possible that some of them do. The ones with size 14 feet. They probably like their feet quite a bit. However, most men have to deal with the false stereotype that foot size is somehow correlated with penis size. I have no idea why people started thinking that, but I think everyone in the world has heard the phrase: “You know what they say about a man with big feet.” I believe a creepy wink usually follows it. So if a man’s feet aren’t really big, then chances are, some judgmental bitch has turned him down for a 1-night stand because of it. Just as the dainty foot is a sign of femininity, the large manly foot is a sign of masculinity.
Okay I get it, Rachael, but what the fuck does this have to do with medical advice?
Keep your shirt on. Let me read. (Er…write.)
I did say something about plastic surgery up there, didn’t I? Well there, my friends, is the solution. With voluntary amputation available for any and all people under this new Socialized Healthcare thingy we’ve got starting up here, then everyone can have the feet they want. If you cut your feet off, then no one can judge you based on your feet.
You’ll have two options. You could either be in a wheelchair or get prosthetic feet. Before you ditch the wheelchair idea, keep in mind that people in wheelchairs with missing limbs are often assumed to be badass.
But, prosthetics! Luke’s prosthetic arm in Star Wars looked pretty damn realistic, didn’t it? And that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Imagine what we could do here, now, in this galaxy. I’m pretty sure we have some realistic-looking prosthetics (and if we don’t, then those people who make reborn dolls could make some good money there, so it can’t be too far in the future). You could have perfect feet. You could have those feet in whatever size you wanted. They’d fit into the shoes you like and not look ridiculous. You’d get all the chicks. Or all the dudes. Whichever is your thing.
And this is totally medically necessary. Your dislike for your feet is causing, as I said, self-esteem issues. And those self-esteem issues are expressing themselves as depression, anxiety, or schizophrenia. You may need medication for your depression or anxiety or schizophrenia. It’s a hassle to take a pill every day. It can be expensive if you don’t get generics. Hallucinations can be dangerous. Prosthetic feet are an investment, and a worthwhile one at that.
So go forth and find your nearest surgeon. Ask him if he’s got his bone-cutting saw because boy, do you have a job for him.
Dr. Boyfriend Says: Dammit Rachael don’t tell people to cut their feet off that is STUPID. No doctor would ever do that. And self-esteem issues do not cause schizophrenia. I told you to throw that psych textbook away.
Note: Apparently voluntary amputation isn’t going to be covered under socialized health care. To that I say: Well then, what the fuck is the point?