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Horrible Medical Advice of the Fortnight: Plastic Surgery You Really Want

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While we probably all agree that our feet are very useful parts of our body, I doubt many of us would go as far as Hazel from the comic Girls with Slingshots does in categorizing them (Oh and by the way, if you don’t read GWS, get on that):

Sure, my feet take me to the bar, but it's gonna take more than that to get me to classify them as a 'favorite'. (Image copyright Danielle Corsetto, Girls with Slingshots, 2008.)

I’d clearly be wrong if I said that nobody felt the same way–I know you foot fetishists are out there, and I’m totally okay with that. Whatever floats your boat. However, I think we can all agree that feet don’t often meet the “favorite” body part list for women or men.

Men, skip this bit:
Why is that? Well, for women, it’s pretty clear. We read fashion magazines, or at least see pictures from them, involving shoes. More specifically, shoe advertisements. And we often see those and think that the shoes we’re looking at are amazing and oh my god I need a pair–whether it’s some fancy-ass designer stiletto or a pair of Tevas. We think we have no expectations. We order the shoe, or we go to the store to look at the shoe or at other shoes, and that option is actually worse because then there are probably pictures of shoes everywhere and–and the thing is–there are foot models. Their feet are perfect. Their feet are a size 6 with no hair anywhere on them, no callouses, even skin tone, airbrushed so you can’t see the veins on them, and just another part of that whole thing where advertising is horrible for women’s self-esteem. When we put on the shoe, it doesn’t look the same. If we have bigger feet or smaller feet, the shoe doesn’t come in our size. Or the shoe doesn’t come in half-sizes and yeah okay we could get away with this size, but we’ll end up with mad blisters that will just mean our feet look crappier later on. If they do come in our size, the style of shoe just might not work with your foot size. My feet are a size 9, which is pretty normal, but I can’t wear pointy toes because an extra three inches extend off my foot and really guys, I don’t even like shoes all that much and that’s ridiculous.

The point here, of course, is that we all want feet that will reliably fit into normal-sized shoes and not look absurd in them.

Okay men, you can come back now:
Why don’t men love their feet? Okay, it’s possible that some of them do. The ones with size 14 feet. They probably like their feet quite a bit. However, most men have to deal with the false stereotype that foot size is somehow correlated with penis size. I have no idea why people started thinking that, but I think everyone in the world has heard the phrase: “You know what they say about a man with big feet.” I believe a creepy wink usually follows it. So if a man’s feet aren’t really big, then chances are, some judgmental bitch has turned him down for a 1-night stand because of it. Just as the dainty foot is a sign of femininity, the large manly foot is a sign of masculinity.

Okay I get it, Rachael, but what the fuck does this have to do with medical advice?

Keep your shirt on. Let me read. (Er…write.)

I did say something about plastic surgery up there, didn’t I? Well there, my friends, is the solution. With voluntary amputation available for any and all people under this new Socialized Healthcare thingy we’ve got starting up here, then everyone can have the feet they want. If you cut your feet off, then no one can judge you based on your feet.

You’ll have two options. You could either be in a wheelchair or get prosthetic feet. Before you ditch the wheelchair idea, keep in mind that people in wheelchairs with missing limbs are often assumed to be badass.

But, prosthetics! Luke’s prosthetic arm in Star Wars looked pretty damn realistic, didn’t it? And that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Imagine what we could do here, now, in this galaxy. I’m pretty sure we have some realistic-looking prosthetics (and if we don’t, then those people who make reborn dolls could make some good money there, so it can’t be too far in the future). You could have perfect feet. You could have those feet in whatever size you wanted. They’d fit into the shoes you like and not look ridiculous. You’d get all the chicks. Or all the dudes. Whichever is your thing.

And this is totally medically necessary. Your dislike for your feet is causing, as I said, self-esteem issues. And those self-esteem issues are expressing themselves as depression, anxiety, or schizophrenia. You may need medication for your depression or anxiety or schizophrenia. It’s a hassle to take a pill every day. It can be expensive if you don’t get generics. Hallucinations can be dangerous. Prosthetic feet are an investment, and a worthwhile one at that.

So go forth and find your nearest surgeon. Ask him if he’s got his bone-cutting saw because boy, do you have a job for him.

Dr. Boyfriend Says: Dammit Rachael don’t tell people to cut their feet off that is STUPID. No doctor would ever do that. And self-esteem issues do not cause schizophrenia. I told you to throw that psych textbook away.

Note: Apparently voluntary amputation isn’t going to be covered under socialized health care. To that I say: Well then, what the fuck is the point?

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About Rachael

Hi. I'm Rachael. I realized one day that, even though I read a lot of books, I often have a hard time remembering them later on. I guess that happens when there's so much to try to remember! So I started The 50 Book Project, with the intention to read and blog about 50 new (to me) books in 2014. I read a lot of fantasy, but I'm trying to branch out and experience new stuff. Any questions? Suggestions? Let me know! Comment, or email me at dearohrachael@gmail.com.

18 responses »

  1. Holy fucksmack. That reborn doll stared holes straight through me with its soulless eyes. If its skin didn’t look so unsettlingly realistic, I would have that it was a zombie.
    I think this should clearly be covered by universal health care, with the addition of voluntary head amputation. As in, me volunteering the heads of people I want to cuntpunt.

    Reply
    • Reborn dolls are a menace to society. I think I would volunteer their heads for amputation. Also, I would probably expect them to be some sort of “undead” creature. I mean, reborn? What does THAT say? I’d constantly be staring at it because I’d be afraid that it was a vampire or zombie or something and would kill me if I looked away, and THEN I’D ALWAYS BE LOOKING AT IT. Fuck. It can’t end well.

      Reply
  2. Just tell me that those reupholstering of the vajayjay operations aren’t covered by social healthcare.

    What shits me about those foot model chicks is that they also seem to walk effortlessly on awesomely huge heels without falling over or looking like dorks.

    Reply
    • I am trying to think of a situation in which vajayjay reupholstering would be considered “medically necessary” and therefore covered under insurance and it’s not working.

      I read a thing about how you should always wear heels at home so you’re used to them and can walk around effortlessly in them when the need arises. Seriously? Fuck you, Glamour. That should be a Horrible Medical Advice post on its own.

      Reply
  3. But if I don’t have feet, how will I wear all those awesome pointy strappy shoes???

    Reply
    • You’ll have prosthetics! So after years of physical therapy teach you to simply walk around in your new feet, you can start relearning how to walk in heels and soon enough the world will be in awe of your perfect feet AND stylish shoes.

      Reply
  4. Thanks to the Pirates of the Caribbean series, peg legs are coming back in style.

    Reply
  5. I live in the UK where we have universal healthcare and it’s not covered here either. Bastards! And those Reborn Dolls are creepy little things. It’s like those dolls in the store that start babbling and moving when you walk past them. Those freak me the fuck out!

    Reply
    • Thank you for making me wonder whether I could be arrested for shaking a baby doll that scared or annoyed me. I’m not sure how well “It’s the thought that counts” translates into legalese, and I’m worried.

      Reply
  6. no no no no no … why oh WHY did I click on the reborn dolls link?! The title in of itself is ominous… I knew only bad things would happen when I clicked on it. Those are definitely on the list of things I wish I could unsee.

    and.. I actually kind of like my feet… am I the minority?

    Reply
    • Does kind of liking them mean that you think they look nice and they fit into whatever shoe you want? Because if so, then you’re probably in the minority. I mean, only 3 out of 8 commenters said they like their feet.

      Reply
  7. i kind of like my feet. what i hate is shoe selection. they never have my size, but it’s not the fault of my perfectly-formed tootsies.

    Reply
  8. i do, in fact, LOVE my feet.
    and i even managed to escape ballet en pointe without gnarly feet, so i think it’s a double win.

    Reply
  9. What about foot transplants? I thought I’d read they’d done a hand transplant recently, so this seems totally reasonable.

    Damn, I thought my feet were the one part of my body I was supposed to be OK with liking (even though mine are kind of dry and yucky). It was all covered in some book – I’m going with “In her shoes” – which, OK, is more about loving shoes than feet and does not mention spider veins on ankles and crap, but regardless – we love shoes (which I was sadly equating to feet, so mistakenly. I am humbled by your genius.) because they fit and still love us even after we’ve gained or lost too much weight, are having a bad hair day or have fallen under any of the myriad of self esteem ailments.

    Now I know I was just kidding myself.Time to amputate.

    Reply
  10. I would like to vehemently disagree with your ideals about men with size 14 feet. As an owner of said size feet, I can safely say that 1. the rumors are not true, unfortunately; and 2. according to just about every shoe manufacturer, there is not a single person who has size 14 feet in existence. Apparently feet stop growing at size 13 and anyone who has larger is SOL. Although, I can say I’ve never been turned down because of my larger than normal feet…so I have that going for me, which is nice.

    Reply

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