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The Hunt

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In December, I finished college. I took my last final exam. I wrote a twenty page paper about how the common thread linking all epic heroes, ancient and modern, is that they’re family men. I made comics out of Shakespeare. I pulled at least four all-nighters in order to get everything done that needed doing. And now, I’m done.

And instead of thinking, “Yes! I’m done! I am finished with college!” my first thought was:

I’m unemployed!

Up until that point, I’d always been able to check off that “student” box on forms that ask for my occupation. I loved that box. It allowed me to acknowledge that, while I don’t have a job, I’m also not one of those people who sits around watching old episodes of Doctor Who on Netflix all day. 

Well, now I’m one of those people who sits around watching old episodes of Doctor Who on Netflix all day. Though, to be fair, sometimes I watch Psych or Burn Notice. If there’s an NCIS marathon, I’ll watch that. And of course, I read blogs and comics and obsessively pin things on Pinterest. 

And I look for jobs.

I somehow thought this would be easier than it was. Despite everything that is going on in the world, I felt sure that I’d be hired quickly. When people complained about there not being jobs, I always figured they meant in their field, and since I wasn’t restricting myself to any particular field, I though–Damn! I will have so much opportunity!

I started looking for office jobs. “Just a basic office job,” I thought. “Modest salary and benefits. That’s all I need.” But I guess you need five years of experience in an office to get a data entry job.

My search turned to secretary positions. “I can answer phones,” I figured. “I type really fast. I can use Word and Excel. I’m organized and friendly. I can definitely get a secretary job.”

You know what the saddest thing is? The saddest thing is realizing that all your years of schooling and your parents’ tens of thousands of dollars have not prepared you for a fucking secretary position.

I began to get desperate. My friend, who was also job searching, sent me a listing she found on Craigslist with the comment, “WE’RE QUALIFIED!” I looked at it. It was a part-time secretary position. The commute would have been about an hour and a half. Pretty much the only requirement was “Cleavage.” “I have that,” I thought. “In fact, that would make clothes shopping way easier!”

(Side note: Women with larger breasts who wear revealing shirts are often just wearing shirts that look perfectly normal and display no cleavage on someone with a B or C cup. IT’S NOT OUR FAULT.)

This job was seriously tempting. It paid $35,000/year plus benefits. Part time! All you need is cleavage! HOT DAMN.

Then Mike had to go and point out that the “benefits” it refers to might be not for me, but for the boss. At that point, my thought process went from “Would the absurd commute be worth it?” to “Well, I mean, how many blow jobs are we talking here? Once a month? Maybe I could do once a month.”

Suddenly, I understand why so many people join the military after college. If you go join the military, you’ll probably never have to sit there, staring at a job posting on Craigslist, wondering how many blow jobs justify a decent salary for a part-time job.

My current method is to send a resume and cover letter to any job I don’t think I’ll hate–that is, pretty much any job that doesn’t seem to require blowjobs or bootcamp.


About Rachael

Hi. I'm Rachael. I realized one day that, even though I read a lot of books, I often have a hard time remembering them later on. I guess that happens when there's so much to try to remember! So I started The 50 Book Project, with the intention to read and blog about 50 new (to me) books in 2014. I read a lot of fantasy, but I'm trying to branch out and experience new stuff. Any questions? Suggestions? Let me know! Comment, or email me at

13 responses »

  1. I have never been more proud to be your friend.

  2. It’s almost as if I wrote this blog post myself (minus the blow job part). I’m in basically the same situation, only difference being that I’ve been too lazy to actually LOOK for a job so I haven’t had the illusion of easy employment shattered just yet.

    In fact, much to my disgrace, I think a job might just have found me, instead.

    • HOW DID A JOB FIND YOU? Did you wear some sort of pheromone or something? Job-attracting pheromone? Because I’m considering going outside and rubbing myself against some high-powered successful-looking person in the manner of a cat to pick up their job pheromones.

      • I have no freaking idea! Like I said, I wasn’t LOOKING for a job, I am pretty sure I did everything right to avoid it. I didn’t update my resume, I didn’t send it to my campus postgraduate services, I didn’t send it anywhere else either, and I secluded myself in my parents house to play videogames and listen to music!

        All of a sudden a friend of mine is like “hey man, got you an interview where I work, send me your resume”. I sent the old resume I had and went to the interview and it looks like I’m going to be hired or something. What the heck?

        Actually, that day was a fun story, you can find it here:

  3. I’ve had good results from temp agencies when looking for office jobs, plus they did all the work for me so I had more time to watch Zoolander over and over.

    As for this – “How do I make “Took Notes” sound fancy for a resume?” – I suggest something along the lines of “created and maintained organized documentation of all discussions.” Hehe.

    • We have a local temp agency, and I’ll go to them if I feel like I need to, but I’ve been told that being employed for three months, then kicked out for a new temp, over and over and over again, can be kind of soul-crushing. And that it can be lots of time between those three-month temp positions. “Steady work” is my main goal, but I haven’t written the temp agency out completely yet.

      And yeah, I used “Documented” on my resume.

  4. It’s kind of awful out there right now. A friend of mine has been looking for work for over 6 months. My husband is a retail manager and just found out yesterday that his position has been eliminated and he won’t know till next week if he even still has a job. So yeah. Just shitty all around.

    I used to be a retail manager too and I did a lot of the hiring. If I can give you one piece of advice, I’d say don’t make your cover letter too wordy. Or even eliminate it all together. Just condense it into an “objective” on the actual resume. Because nobody is going to bother to read the cover letter anyway, but if you can inject a little personality into your objective, that might get you in the door. It will be up to your tits after that, obviously.

    • A lot of the retail places now have online applications and there isn’t even a place to attach a cover letter or resume, so I haven’t even been thinking about that. I have a nice little adaptable cover letter that I can send to more officey places. And after that, my tits and my SPIFFY NEW SUIT.

  5. I’m so proud of you and of myself for raising a daughter with cleavage! Still don’t know where it came from. As for the 10’s of thousands, you are worth every penny and more! How would your blog be so wonderful and fun if you weren’t in the National Honor Society of English Scholars or whatever your fancy award is! Don’t worry you will find a job and someday even one that you like and uses your talents and not just your lovely physical attributes! In the mean time you have me and Dr. Boyfriend and we love you!

  6. Who’s in the same boat? This girl…. almost word for word (well, minus the graduating-from-college part). I’ve been looking since just after Thanksgiving with nary a nibble. I have 15 year’s experience and nothing! I’m sure I’m overqualified – how can that be? – I mean, if I’m applying for the job, I obviously need the job, right?

    Anywho, I love your blog & good luck to you in your job hunt!

  7. Now imagine being months from 40, having years of experience, and an expensive advanced degree. Welcome to my world. Have a seat. Have you seen this episode of Doctor Who yet?


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