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Horrible Medical Advice: Martha’s DIY Plastic Surgery

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Hi.

It’s been a while, I know. See, I finished school, and then I was desperately searching for a job, and then I got TWO jobs, which took up more time than I expected considering that I still work much less than full time. But you know what? I’m blaming the fact that Netflix has pretty much every show that I’ve ever thought, “Oh, I want to watch that, but I missed the first few seasons” on streaming, so sue me I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix recently.

But more importantly. Do you remember last summer, when I said that sometime I’d get drunk and write a post?

This is that time. This…is sometime.

And it’s more Horrible Medical Advice. I know y’all love that shit. And this is reader-request, so no one can even complain.

Dear Oh Rachael,

Ever since I became a real grown-up (as opposed to some whiny teenager who only thought her skin sucked), my skin has totally sucked. I have wrinkles and shit. What do you recommend I do for this?

Sincerely, Your Aunt.

(Okay, my aunt didn’t, technically speaking, write to me. But she did say I should write this, so that sort of counts.)

Dear My Aunt,

A lot of people think their skin sucks when they get past age 20. In fact, I’ve recently been plagued by the “Dammit Why Doesn’t My Skin Look Like It Did When I Was 18 Only Six Years Ago” Virus as well. However, if your problem goes beyond “my pores are bigger than they were, WHAAAAAAA,” then I highly reccommend the Martha Stewart Approach.

Has anyone else noticed that Martha Stewart doesn’t age?

I can't guarantee this is a picture from 2000, but it did come up in an image search for "Martha Stewart 2000."

Well, that might be a picture of her in 2000. And what does she look like now, a full 12 years later? And remember, she’s at an age where a 10 year difference should be HUGE. (I mean, I have friends who are 20ish and friends who are 30ish and they don’t look all that different to me, but from 40 to 50 and 50 to 60 and 60 to 70 and so on…those are supposed to make a huge difference.)

Showed up when I searched "Martha Stewart Current," so it might be a current picture.

You may notice that she looks exactly the same.

Okay, one picture is HD and the other isn’t. In that case, my advice is to not take pictures with HD cameras, because hot damn will they show off every imperfection. But what REALLY happened here?

What happened is that good ol’ Martha did some jail time. And by “jail time,” I mean “house arrest.” And by “house arrest,” I mean “the same ol’ thing Martha always does, except she’s got an excuse for the cameras not to show her for a while so if she has a visit from a little ol’ plastic surgeon no one will be the wiser.”

That’s right, folks. To look asthe-same-age-you-looked-ten-years-ago, all you’ve got to do is get arrested. Then, you’ll be free to do all of Martha’s DIY Plastic Surgery you can.

If you can’t afford an at-home plastic surgeon, don’t worry. A facelift is simple, and that’s the most basic of your underlying needs. One you have one, it’ll be a long time before you start worrying about your really minor imperfections!

All you need for a facelift is a scalpel and some medical tape. You can get the medical tape at any drugstore–just tell them you’ve got a kid with a sprained finger and you need to tape it into the splint and they’ll take you right to it. Hell, you might even have some on hand!

Now all you need to do is imagine your skin like a piece of plastic wrap over the dip-bowl of your face. Pull it tight in segments, starting at one temple. Work in opposites–that is, pull one temple fairly tight, then pull the other temple the rest of the way. Now move down a little bit. Repeat–pull one side a little tight, then pull the other side so you’re completely wrinkle-free. Keep working around your face.

Once you’ve reached your chin, you’ll be all set! All you’ll have to do now is let your project (that is, your face) dry completely (that is, heal completely) and you’ll have a full Martha Stewart DIY At-Home Facelift. You can start a little higher by cutting around your forehead, or customize your lift to focus on problem areas–it’s up to you! That’s the beauty of DIY.

Now, dear My Aunt, I hope this has answered your questions and concerns. I’m sure that in a few months, after hiding in your home and avoiding any social interaction for a long, long time, you’ll look just as young and beautiful as you did ten years ago. In the meantime, I hope to give you as much reading material as I can without getting distracted from the series I’m currently reading (just say NO to Netflix, kids!).

Thank you all so much for your time.

Sincerely,

Oh, Rachael.

Do you have a question for Rachael? Well, she now has a special email address just for you! Whether it’s medical or just, you know, a random question, send Rachael an email at dearohrachael@gmail.com. She’ll respond with a Horrible Medical Advice post, a Horrible Advice post, or just a Horrible Advice email to help get you through your misery!

(Seriously, please email me. Your questions are inspiring, and I miss writing for you.)

DOCTOR BOYFRIEND SAYS: Dammit Rachael I thought you were done with this shit. PEOPLE, NEVER DO SURGERY ON YOURSELF. IT HURTS AND YOU MIGHT DIE.

Thank you, Dr. Boyfriend. We all appreciate your advice. However, you’re male, so you can’t possibly understand, and we’ll be getting back to our DIY surgeries now.

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I don’t need your permission, Wheat Thins.

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Okay, first things first. We’ve got to set this straight. I know you made a bigger cracker than your usual Wheat Thin. In fact, it’s even bigger than the “BIG!” one that you make. But that does not make it a flatbread. Okay. Now.

I bought you, Wheat Thins “Flatbreads,” because I realized that I’d purchased cheeses for various recipes that were unlikely to be used often enough to not get moldy and disgusting in our fridge. Crackers seemed to be a logical solution to this. Lunchtime and I don’t have any food? Cheese and crackers! Too close to dinner for a snack? Have a cracker with some cheese on it to hold you over! Seemed like a good idea.

You, however, have your own ideas.

You're gonna put some tomatoes and cheese on me. With a little bit of some sort of herb. Won't that be nice?

If you don't like that option, maybe you could try some...tomatoes and cheese? Instead? Are you into that? I'll even add some herbs in there.

You just seem totally not okay with the idea of my just putting some cheese on you! You’re offering me these hyper-specific serving suggestions. “Really, crackers?” I said to you, disappointed. “Have we come to a point where people don’t know what to do with you? Can’t make up their own damn minds?” I sighed and put you down, wondering where the hell I could get a tomato to put on my crackers, since clearly I don’t have a cho–

My OWN?!

Wait, so now you’re saying I do have a choice? I can put whatever I want on these crackers? AWESOME! Thanks, Wheat Thins!

But here’s the issue: This box of fucking crackers is giving me permission to put whatever I damn well please on them. I don’t need permission from a box of crackers, Wheat Thins. And if we start listening to boxes of crackers, where, as a society, will we be? I’d rather not listen to my box of crackers. This leaves me with very few alternatives:

  • Eat my crackers with no topping (unacceptable)
  • Don’t enjoy the crackers

Well, okay, really only one option since the first’s unacceptable. So, okay, Wheat Thins. You got me. I won’t enjoy these crackers. I will take them out of the box and cover them with blue cheese and the garlic scape pesto that I got at the farmer’s market and I will fucking hate every minute of it. Maybe I’ll try to fix that hatred by changing it up a little. Maybe I’ll use a little guacamole instead of the pesto, or substitute some sharp cheddar. Or both. And I’ll still hate it, because the whole time I’ll know that if I don’t, I’m doing exactly what the box is telling me to. Even if I switch it up to the super-sharp cheddar or get rid of one of the toppings entirely, I’m still stuck.

I have no  options. Wheat thins, you’ve forced me to hate you before I even open the box. I can barely even type your name. “What Things,” that’s what I’m getting. What things? Wheat thins.

I bet you’d have been delicious, too.

 

100 Reasons I Shouldn’t Fill Out Stupid Memes

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I originally filled this out back in April, when a friend posted it on Facebook and I thought it might be fun because I hadn’t done one of these since Livejournal and oh my god remember Livejournal?! So. Yeah. I filled it out, but instead of “100 things about me” as the original creators seemed to intend, it ended up being…well, the title up there. And I was looking over it and snickering and I thought, y’know, this thing probably has a home on my blog over there. So here we are. Keep in mind that I actually wrote this in April, so the not all the answers are exactly correct anymore, but I didn’t feel like redoing the whole thing. Are you ready? There’s a QUESTION for you at the end!

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage = Water. I’m exciting.

2. Last Phone call = I called my brother this morning in order to help him locate his phone. Does that count? We didn’t actually talk. I hung up when he found it. So if that doesn’t count, my dad called me this morning to say that we should go over there at 11:30 instead of 11 and I was still asleep so I was very confused about what the phone was and how someone was talking to me through it, so maybe that doesn’t even count. Fuck.

3. Last text message = Received or sent? Last one I sent said “Um. I’m sure they don’t.”

4. Last song you listened to = Actively listened to, or heard idly playing in the background? I think the last full song I actively listened to was “I Wish I Could Go Back To College” from Avenue Q which is funny because I really don’t want to go back to college ever and would actually rather be not in college right now.

5. Last time you cried = Probably sometime within the past few days. I’m not sure. I cry about pretty much everything so I’m sure it was recent.

 

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice = Yes, but not since middle school. I wasn’t actually aware this was a phenomenon in the real world.

7. Been cheated on = Not that I know of. I mean, it isn’t generally the type of thing a person advertises, is it?

8. Kissed someone & regretted it = I can say with about 95% certainty that I have, but I’d be hard-pressed to actually come up with a specific incident where it happened because I generally have the good sense to not kiss people I’d regret kissing unless I’m completely fucking shitfaced. (Actually, if I don’t really remember it later, can I really say I regretted it? I mean, I don’t remember it happening. So maybe no, and if I have, it’s been years. YEARS.)

9. Lost someone special = Once when I was little my family went to Wendy’s for dinner and I brought Bunky, my teddy bear, and somehow left him there. I’m pretty sure I flipped the fuck out and threw all sorts of tantrums and my parents called up the Wendy’s and managed to get someone to hold on to him for me so we could retrieve him the next day, but that night? Horrible.

10. Been depressed = One long stretch of situational depression and I’m pretty sure I get S.O.-S.A.D. I want a lamp.

11. Been drunk and threw up = The last time this happened, Mike was driving me back from a friend’s house and I’d been fairly drunk but it hadn’t seemed that bad, and I totally wasn’t carsick, not at all, until he stopped for gas and then suddenly it was AWFUL and I had to puke in the gas station’s trash can with possibly all sorts of people staring at me but I don’t remember because I was drunk. Lesson: Parting shots are a bad idea.

 

FIRST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Wait, like, in chronological order? Like, what was my very first favorite color ever when I was really little?

13. Or do you want the top three that I like right now?

14. Also, colors all have their place. I’d say green is my favorite, but different greens for different occasions, and there are often times when there are better options.

 

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend = Many within the past 12 months, but it’s hard to place things around the January 1st timeframe. Can we go with academic years? Those make more sense to me.

16. Fallen out of love = No. That would be stupid. Also, what the fuck is with these equals signs? Did the makers of this meme know what a question mark is?

17. Laughed until you cried = Yes. See, sleep deprivation will do funny things to you, and at some point everything on the internet is so funny you’ll cry laughing. I don’t recommend trying to get to this point of no sleep, but if you do, look at some fucking lolcats.

18. Met someone who changed you = Again, within the past 12 months, yes. I’m going to go with “no” since January 1st, though.

19. Found out who your true friends were = No, that’s what last year was for. (Actually, yeah, that was still ongoing 12 months ago too.)

20. Found out someone was talking about you = Am I still supposed to care if someone is talking about me? Hold on. No, my license clearly says I’m over 21, which means I’m almost definitely means I’m over 15, so I don’t think this sorta stuff should be mattering to me.

21. Kissed anyone on your friends list = Uh, yeah. Having a boyfriend kind of does this.

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life = I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Is there some sort of rule that people I know through the internet don’t count as people I know in real life? Are they not real? Like, I’m pretty sure they do actually exist. I feel like I know a lot of them better than the people I see frequently. I’m gonna say all of them, because I don’t believe I’m friends with any fictional characters on Facebook.

23. How many kids do you want to have = I feel like this isn’t really something I can know until I’m there, but I generally lean toward two when I try to estimate. Someday my third child is going to see this and be very, very upset. YES, YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT, BUT I LOVE YOU ANYWAY. DEAL.

24. Do you have any pets = I have a stuffed tiger, Sammy, who is curious and very earnest, and a stuffed fox, Angus, who is a mischievous little fuck and likes to get Sammy into trouble. Please don’t send me to the psych hospital.

25. Do you want to change your name = Like, my first name? No, I think that’d be silly. I mean, if I named myself, it wouldn’t be Rachael, but I don’t have problems with Rachael as a name that was given to me. I plan to change my last name when I get married despite the fact that whatever news station I was watching recently said it will cost me half a million dollars in salary over my lifespan, because I read the study they were talking about and you know what? The way they did it was to ask college students whether they’d hire someone who had changed her last name when she got married and how much they’d pay her. Not really a valid research method there, guys.

26. What did you do for your last birthday = Sushi! We went out for sushi at a delicious place. Mike made me a wonderful cake that has become my go-to for any situations where I need to bring a delicious and impressive dessert. It was an excellent day.

27. What time did you wake up today = My dad called me absurdly early to tell me I could sleep a little later so I technically woke up then but went right back to sleep until my alarm went off at 10:30. (Also, “absurdly early” is anytime before 10. Anytime before noon is just “early”.)

28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Getting home, I think. Possibly interneting.

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = Hm. If I’m not doing it right this instant, I technically can wait. And I could totally wait to be doing this, too. Huh. NOTHING. (Did you mean I should name something I’m very much looking forward to? Oh! Sorry. You should be less ambiguous in the wording of your questions.)

30. Last time you saw your mother = This morning.

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = Nothing. I’m happy now, and if I changed anything that had happened in the past, I wouldn’t be where/who I am now. I’d sort of like to fast forward a bit, but I’m sure there will be cool things that I’d miss out on if I did that.

32. What are you listening to right now = Animals outside my house making their obnoxious OMG NIGHTTIME noises. I think I hear frogs and birds and a dog.

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = Definitely. A number of them, in fact. HINT: The number is greater than 1.

34. What’s getting on your nerves right now = I kind of have a migraine problem and I can’t figure out what’s causing them. My doctor told me to keep track of what I’d eaten in 12 hours prior to any migraine and look for common foods or ingredients, and so far I’ve come up with “carbon” and that still doesn’t include the one I got when I hadn’t eaten anything for 12 hours. I’m thinking that maybe it isn’t food-related.

35. Most visited webpage(s) = My inbox and twitter are always open. (That’s what she said.)

36. Eye color = Well, there’s a black circle thing, so that part’s black. And then around it there’s a thing that’s sort of variegated, green and gold, but it changes slightly depending on what I’m wearing so it’s more “chameleon.” And then around that is white with some red lines, and sometimes there are more red lines than other times. I think inside is all red, or at least some shade of pink.

37. Relationship status = Soon to be cohabiting with my long-term boyfriend.

38. Favorite Book = The Great Book of Amber. I’m not really sure if it counts as one book because it’s technically 10 books published in one giant volume but I love every single one of them and Roger Zelazny is a fucking genius. Honorable mentions go to Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett and China Mieville, and no I can’t just pick books by them and honestly I feel a bit cheap just giving them honorable mentions here. They’re better than that. I love ALL the books.

39. Zodiac sign = It just occurred to me that at some point the heading “THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:” stopped applying a long time ago and a new one wasn’t supplied and this is bothering me a lot but actually if I think about it, “This year have you zodiac sign?” kind of makes at least a little bit of sense given the whole changes to the system thing that happened (but wasn’t really put into effect), so I’m gonna say Leo. It used to be Virgo.

40. Do you have a crush on someone? = Not in the usual sense of the word, but there are people I would really love to crush. With rocks. And other people I would like to crush with hugs.

41. Primary school = Where you learn very basic things that you’ll need to know later on in life, except for long division which can suck it.

42. Middle School = Really a continuation of the above.

43. College = Probably going to be a lot more useful than I’m giving it credit for right now, but there are so many goddamn hipsters there.

44. Hair color = I’m not entirely sure. I think it’s sitting on the line between blonde and brown. I will have to go to a store and hold my hair up to a bunch of hair dye boxes and get back to you.

45. Long or short = It’s actually fairly long right now! About armpit-length. I desperately need a haircut to get rid of split ends, but I’m still growing it out. I want super long hair!

46. Height = 5’9”

47. Found a new pet peeve = Since when? Are we going back to the “this year have you” thing? Because if we took a long (unannounced) break from that and are going back (again unannounced), then yes definitely I have discovered a pet peeve. Also, the fact that whether or not there is a space (a) between the period and the first letter of each questiony-thing and (b) before and/or after the equals sign is not consistent is pissing me off because I have to fix every. single. question.

48. What do you like about yourself = I like that I find the world as interesting as I do.

49. Piercings = Generally expected on the ears of American females above a certain age and fairly common in many other locations. I find them interesting and, in some cases, grotesque. I have my ears and belly button pierced.

50. Tattoos = Probably often drunken decisions that people will regret within a month. Seriously. The other day I saw a guy with a “shocker” tattoo ON HIS NECK in the grocery store. Dude, you are never going to get a job. I would like to have a tattoo, but it’s hard to think of something that is meaningful now and will continue to be meaningful for the rest of my life so I won’t regret it.

51. Righty or Lefty = I am codominant. This means that I am left handed in some ways (writing, fencing, chopping things) and right handed in others (most sports, using the TV remote). I usually identify as a lefty, though, because this explanation sort of confuses people.

 

FIRSTS:

52. First Surgery = I had my wisdom teeth out. I got dry sockets. The holes went up to my sinuses, so I got all sorts of mouth- and food-bacteria in my sinuses and then got a raging sinus infection that drained into my mouth via my tooth-holes. I really don’t want to ever have surgery again.

53. First Piercing = I got my ears pierced at Limited Too when I was 11. I don’t remember which side they did first.

54. First best friend = I can remember back to kindergarten. Her name was Heather. She kicked ass. In fact, I think she still does.

55. First sport you joined = Probably tee-ball when I was very little, but I didn’t really “join” that so much as get signed up for it by my parents. So, um, field hockey in middle school?

56. First Vacation = I went to Ireland and England when I was 1. My mom was pregnant with my brother at the time and I enjoyed jumping up and down on her belly. There were frequent sheep-crossings in the road and I got excited every time I saw one and yelled PSHEEEEEEEEEP! BAAAAAAAAH! (Yes, that first P should be there. Yes, it’s difficult to pronounce. No, I don’t know why I thought there should be a P there.) At dinner one night my parents ordered me a mini pizza and it was the most exciting thing in the world to have a whole pizza all to myself. And it was grown-up food and everything! I have a picture somewhere.

 

RIGHT NOW:

57. Sleeping = probably what I should be doing, but I would like to echo the friend I stole this from in the first place in saying how could I be sleeping AND doing this?

58. On the phone = No. If someone called, I would probably stop filling this out until the conversation was over, so again: this would not be compatible with filling out this survey. Also, do you realize what time it is? Clearly not.

59. Eating = Again. I would stop surveying to eat. But no, I’m not eating.

60. Drinking = No. This is getting annoying.

61. I’m about to = answer this question. Wait, I just did that. Answer the next question.

62. Listening to = Survey, we already went over this.

63. Waiting for = Godot.

 

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids = Yes, but please give me at least 5 years before you start nagging me about it if you’re planning to nag me about it.

65. Get married = Probably within 2-3 years.

66. Career = Famous novelist, famous webcomic artist or famous blogger would all work, but if none of them happen I’ll settle for not being famous.

 

WHICH IS BETTER W/ GUYS/ GIRLS:

67. Lips or eyes = They both kind of come together to form general “face” stuff, which is important. Better? I imagine it would be easier to live without seeing than without having a mouth, so I’m going to go with lips. Though we could probably have mouths without lips. Hmm. Also I don’t think this really has anything to do with gender. And really, wouldn’t the one I like more depend on the person I look at? I mean, I’m probably not going to look at someone with gorgeous eyes and be focusing on their average-looking lips. Or vice versa.

68. Hugs or kisses = No. They are different. I can’t say one is better, because sometimes I really need a hug and other times I really need a kiss. This is a dumb question. NEXT.

69. Taller or shorter = The exact same height as me. Seriously. If we are standing barefoot on level ground, I want our eyes to be at the same level. Subconsciously, at least. I never intended to only date people my height.

70. Younger or older = See, the reason these questions are so dumb is that the fact that I have a boyfriend with whom I am very happy, so obviously the answer to what I prefer will be whatever he is because I prefer him. He is older than I am.

71. Romantic or spontaneous = In general? Spontaneous. Being romantic all the time would get annoying. However, an occasional romantic night is nice.

72. Nice stomach or nice arms = Like, on their own? Huh. A disembodied stomach would be really fucking creepy, so I’m gonna go with that. (Seriously. Can you imagine that on a crime scene show? “Ya got anything, Dinozzo?” “Well, Gibbs, the Lieutenant’s stomach is lying on the ground over there—” (McGee vomits. Ducky begins telling a story about an ancient culture that used to remove the stomach tissue from their dead before burial because they believed it trapped the soul inside the body. Palmer bags it. Gibbs smacks Tony. Cut to: Abby, dancing in her lab.)

73. Sensitive or loud = I feel that these are not necessarily mutually exclusive at all in terms of personality traits, nor are they necessarily personality traits. This is officially a stupid question. Moving on.

74. Hook-up or relationship = This should definitely be clear to you by now.

75. Trouble maker or hesitant = I think my alignment falls somewhere around Neutral Good but I like the idea of being Chaotic Good because I’d be more like Batman. Chaotic Neutral would be cool if it wouldn’t mean that I’d basically have no sense of sympathy or empathy.

 

HAVE YOU EVER:

76. Kissed a stranger = I think so.

77. Drank hard liquor = I have done jello shots with my mom’s boyfriend.

78. Lost glasses/contacts = Once I bought an expensive pair of sunglasses and lost them within 30 minutes. TRUE STORY.

79. Danced in the rain = Of course! It would suck to not dance in the rain occasionally. But I also suck at dancing so it’s more like “wiggle around awkwardly in the rain”.

80. Broken someone’s heart = Yes. My exes all had a habit of not realizing that I’d been unhappy and trying to talk to them and fix things for months until I broke up with them and broke their hearts.

81. Had your own heart broken = No. I actually feel sort of guilty about this. Who the fuck feels guilty for not having had their heart broken? I must be seriously fucked up.

82. Won a bet = I actually don’t know if I’ve done this.

83. Turned someone down = No, actually. Maybe this explains the quality of my previous relationships.

84. Cried when someone died = Fucking…?! YES. What am I supposed to do, throw a kegger?

85. Fallen for a friend = Developed crushes on friends, but never actually fallen for one. Huh. Weird. I never even thought about this.

 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself = Hesitantly. I’m not always completely sure that I exist.

87. Miracles = Yes, but I don’t think they are necessarily good. I think something can be miraculous and bad.

88. Love at first sight = Not exactly. I believe there can be some sort of deep recognition immediately, but it still takes a while to identify what you’re recognizing as the potential for love.

89. Heaven = I believe in reincarnation, and I don’t believe that people get sorted according to how good they were. I believe that after you die, you go to some sort of afterlife and you take some time there while thinking over your life and figuring out what you learned and want to work on in your next one. You’re reborn when you’re ready.

90. Santa Claus = I know he’s real because he rides his lawnmower down my street every day in the summer.

91. Kiss on the first date = Okay, all the rest of these are along the lines of “do I believe these things exist”. I definitely believe kisses on the first date exist. They happen. It doesn’t matter whether you believe in them or not. Kinda like evolution.

92. Angels = “Spirits” are probably more accurate for me because angels are rather exclusively Christian. And possibly other religions that are not mine. I don’t know.

 

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY!

93. Done something terribly embarrassing = Probably by most people’s standards, but I think being embarrassed is a waste of time.

94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at one time = No. Though I did have a period where I thought I was polyamorous. It turned out I was actually just unhappy.

95. Did you sing today = No, jaw hurts too much.

96. Ever cheated on somebody = There must be some way that I learned that you can continue to feel like shit about having done something almost four years after it happened and still not have regrets.

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go = I wouldn’t. I guarantee I would fuck shit up. Unless you’re a Time Lord, time travel is probably a bad idea.

98. Do you like apples = As long as they’re not red delicious.

99. Are you afraid of falling in love = This is a weird question for someone who is already in love. I’m not afraid of being in love. Falling in love? Not afraid, but I’d rather it didn’t have to happen to me again in this life.

100. Will you publish as 100 Truths? = No, I’ll publish it as “100 Reasons I Shouldn’t Fill Out Stupid Memes”.

END.

So there you have it. A view into my fragile, bitchy psyche. What’s the most ridiculous question you’ve ever been asked?

Horrible Medical Advice of the Week: Self-Diagnose, Then Doctor Shop

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With all the tools we have at our disposal through this awesome “Internet” thing, it seems pretty ridiculous that you’d ever go to a doctor’s appointment without at least having an idea about what your problem could be. If you do enough research, though, you can probably get a spot-on diagnosis! In fact, it’s sort of absurd that we even go to doctors at all these days. Google your symptoms, pick an illness, send it off to the pharmacy and get your drugs!

Unfortunately, we can’t do that. I mean, we can Google our symptoms, and there’s always WebMD, but there’s nothing out there that allows us to write our own prescriptions, so we have to go to the doctor anyway. That is fucking inconvenient.

So, to save time when you go to your doctor, make sure to do a quick search of your symptoms and go in with your diagnosis ready. Doctors love that.* It saves them time, and that will allow them to take a longer lunch break or see an extra patient (which means they get paid for an extra visit) or something. Awesome! And you don’t have to sit and talk to the doctor for 15 minutes when you already know you have ALS. (Note: I have no clue what ALS is.)

Go in. Tell your doctor what you have and how you know. You might encounter a problem here, though: your doctor might have some different ideas, and that ruins the whole time-saving thing. For example, when I went to my doctor a few months ago, I was absolutely sure that I had major sinus issues and probably jaw-arthritis. But he’s all going on about migraines! What the hell, doctor? I know what’s going on!** So if Doc’s got other ideas, you have a few options. You can follow your doctor’s advice and assume he’s right. You can demand to be tested for what you already know you have. You can also demand to be treated for what you already know you have–if necessary, alongside whatever the doctor’s giving you. And if your doctor is obstinate and refuses despite all the printouts you brought in that back you up, you still have an option: doctor-shop. Leave your PCP’s practice and find a new one. Tell them what you have, how your other doctor wouldn’t listen, and show this new doctor your printouts. Do this until you have a doctor who will give you whatever you want, and BAM! Cured.

In other news, Almost-Dr. Boyfriend has graduated and become Dr. Boyfriend, so he can officially back up the “Horrible” part of the title of this post. (I haven’t been around because we moved, and (a) moving is a long and involved process and (b) I am fucking exhausted. Regular updates will resume shortly. And if this isn’t funny at all, it’s because I’m fucking exhausted.)

*Actually, they really hate this. Hey–disclaimer, remember?

**Thankfully, the migraine medication he prescribed me works wonders for jaw-arthritis and sinus issues.